Remus, Thongs and FullFrontal Snogging
by Mandarb and Sawa the Internet Detective
Summary: His owl is a nutter, his potions teacher wears plaid socks, and someone left a mysterious nappy somewhere in the dorm. Ergghhhlack. But still, add some prank pulling, good friends, and mysterious poking people, and school might not be as bad as it seems.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Ahh… well... I needed a hobby. I was dead tired. I wanted something to distract me from the pressing matters that my mom would beat me with a broom if I didn't go to bed soon. And thus… Remus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging was born! Wasn't that an interesting life story. BTW, I didn't name it this because that's what's going to be I it… I named it that because it's supposed to be a weird (and probably sad) spin off of Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging.

I edited this chapter, re-formatted it, because ff dot net messed it up before. It should make more sense and be easier to read now.

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**Friday, August 28th  
8:00 am  
Dear Diary,  
**Well, mum's gotten me a diary. I think she may have finally snapped. What do I need a diary for? What am I going to write? 

'Dear Diary,

My life is a complete fiasco. The concert is this weekend, and I can't even fit into my little sister's jeans anymore. I tried to slit my wrists, but the blood got on my pants, and I totally freaked. Needless to say, they're ruined.'

Yeah right. Does she think I'm some sort of turd? Good grief.

Well, I've got nothing better to do, so I'll start writing in you. I'm going to have to barricade myself in my room, as some of my aunts are coming over. I think it is the Old's sad attempt at a family reunion. But then, they only ever invite the mad ones. I don't see the point in having them come over. All they ever do is gossip about Dad with Mum. I think they might want to snog him.

Which is quite frightening.

**Still Friday  
2:34 pm  
Dear Diary,  
**I am surrounded by loons. Aunt Marge and Aunt Megan came over. Mum decided to take us to a stupid play, as a 'treat'. It was called _The Sound of Magic_. Apparently it's really famous or something.

It was really bad. There wasn't any plot at all, just a bunch of people in weird clothes singing, and an old creepy man with seven children. The main character was supposed to be 'very attractive'. Ha. What a laugh. Her hair looked like she puked on a possum and wore it as a sad hat.

What's worse is in the middle of the play, Aunt Marge burst out in tears, because the play was so _emotional_. (That woman is like a faffing waterfall! And of course, she cried out her nose, for the most part. Aunt Marge really does have an enormous nose. She's basically a nose with arms and legs attached. My entire father's side is like that. Thank Merlin I look like my mother.) Emotional! That play was stupid. I'm never being daft enough to go anywhere with my family again.

I wonder if there is anyone in my family that is relatively sane. Well, there was Uncle Josh. He always gave me presents and played with me, and stuff, when I was little. I wonder whatever happened to him?

Oh yeah. He got sent to the nuthouse. Can't remember why…

Oh, yeah… he tried to snog my father, too.

Ah well, I guess incest runs in the family.

**2:40 pm  
Dear Diary,  
**That's quite a good joke, actually.

**Saturday, August 29th  
7:49  
Dear Diary,  
**Gah! I can't keep going around calling you 'diary!' That would be like, someone calling me 'werewolf.' I need a name for you.

Should I give you a fancy name, like Tannimerfannwhistle or Galaderwalderwitz? Or should I give you a simple name, like Angus, or … George? But then that brings up another question: Are you a girl or guy diary?

**8:00  
**Galaderwalderwitz it is.

_Any_way, I need to tell you about my day. I got my invitation to Hogwarts earlier in the summer- did I tell you? It's so exciting! I can't wait. But then, with excitement, I begin to get paranoid. What if I don't make any friends? What if everyone just thinks I'm some useless old swot? What if they find out I'm a werewolf? What if I get in Slytherin? What if people poke me?

No0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o!

GAH! I can't think about this any more.

Well, I went to Diagon Ally today!

I'm sure you know everything about Diagon Ally, in your extensively exciting diary's life. I'm rolling my eyes right now, as if that statement did not have enough sarcasm caked on it already.

We went to the Leaky Cauldron, which is a creepy old pub/inn ish wotist. The person there, Tom, was the sort of person you suspected was very old, always had been, and always would be.

Then we went through the wall out back, into Diagon Ally.

That's a ridiculous name.

But it was not a ridiculous place. It was a ridiculously cool place. There were stores all over everything.

First, we went to Gringotts, which is a nifty bank run by a bunch of ugly goblins. I wonder if there are girl goblins? I mean, I don't think I saw any. If I did, I couldn't tell the difference. Maybe there aren't girl goblins. Maybe goblins just crawl out from under rocks, instead of being born properly.

Anyway, we went down into these tunnel things in a mine cart wotsit that threw us around really fast for forty years and made me feel lurgy. Dad then offered to by me an ice cream to make me feel better. Honestly. I'm not going to sit down for a sundae when I feel like spewing over everything. What a nutter.

Then we went to Oll- heck, I don't remember what the place was called. The place where people get wands. I'm sure you'd like to hear about it, but it was incredibly boring. I got my wand, 12 ½ inches, willow, and unicorn hair. It's all bendy. I was so proud that I got my wand… Mum got all wet about the eyes. For a terrifying moment, I thought she was going to cry. Then Dad said my wand was girly. What a prat.

Then we went to Flourish and Botts, and bought spell books. Then we went… well, we went basically everywhere, and bought everything I needed.

After everything, we went to the animal place. We took a look at some pets- er, familiars that I might want. Dad wanted me to get a rat. Mum shrieked at them though, and Dad got all shirty with her. I wandered off to look at owls.

"Maybe you'll be interested in a toad?" Mum suggested. I thought they were utterly pointless, and I said so. Then she started getting all teary-eyed again. Then Dad tripped over a particularly ugly cat, and poked her in the eye, which made her cry properly.

That's when I saw him. A beautiful, majestic bird, his black plumage glittering brilliantly in the sunlight. I instantly knew he was the one I wanted. Looking back know I should have taken something else, because he only has the most annoying call I've ever heard (think a dropping bomb), but he's also a complete nutter. He seems to think he can hunt me, even though I'm five times as big as him. Or bigger. I really haven't measured. He is fairly large of an owl. Anyway, he keeps flying around and attacking my head, and eating my new quills. If I try to put him in his cage, he does his stupid owlly screamy thing, and I nearly get a heart attack every bloody time.

I still need a name for him. Hm….

**9:00  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz  
**I have decided on a name! I shall call him, my wonderfully daft Sooty Owl, Nightwish.

He seems to like it. Nightwish started flying around the room hooting happily, then landed on my pillow, and shredded it up. Joy.

**Midnight  
**Dear Galaderwalderwitz,

Two days! I'm so excited!

**September 1st  
9:42 PM  
**Dear Galaderwalderwitz,

I got up at the break of dawn because I was so excited about school. Excited! But then… Paranoid! Gah. I forced Mum to take me to the station super early. Aunt Marge and Aunt Megan came to 'see me off' as well as Dad. Mum was just proud. I don't know why... I guess I'll understand when I have kids. Or when I'm completely bonkers. Dad just flopped around uselessly. The Giant Noses, as I've resorted to calling them, actually started crying. They said that they were really happy. But I know why they were actually crying. They're just sad that I'm leaving, so they'll have to get their own lives, as mine will no longer be around to ruin.

Oh dear. Now it sounds like I'm going to die.

Ugh. Now I'm creeping myself out.

Not that I really have a life, anyway.

Not with that crowd around, I don't.

I went to get a spot on the train immediately. I was going to take one near the front, but then my nerves got the better of me, and I ran all the way to the back. (Don't ask me how I managed to run, with a giant trunk and Nightwish screaming his brains out at me. Sometimes I wonder if he even has brains, or if he was just born to annoy me.)

I opened the door to the back compartment and peeked inside. It was nearly empty, except for a boy who, from the impression that I got, looked safe to be around. He couldn't have been older than me, with his jet black hair neatly combed back, glasses, and he was reading something intently.

Of course, I was soon to learn that first impressions of people could be very, very wrong.

It turned out, his name was James Potter, the only reason his hair had been neat as because his mother put a long-lasting flattening spell on it, and what he had been reading so intently was a Zonko's order form.

So much for safe. But before I could do anything, we had spit-shaken, and I had given him (aka he had taken) half of the sandwiches Mum packed for me, so I guess that made us friends.

Whew. That takes care of Paranoia Number One. Hm… I should make a list of my unreasonable paranoia's! Fun fun fun!

1. I'll make no friends.

2. Everyone will think I'm a useless old swot.

3. Everyone will find out I'm a werewolf.

4. I'll be in Slytherin

5. People will poke me.

Anyway, on with the story. Once it became normal time for people to come onto the brilliant Hogwarts Express (It's my best friend), Jame's hair was sticking up in one hundred and thirty different directions, and the bus filled up quickly. Watching through the window, I was glad I came early. It was really full on the platform, and I'm not good in crowds.

Apparently the Olds and the Giant Noses weren't quite so enthusiastic. I could see the Noses pinching the bottoms of innocent schoolchildren who ran away screaming, and Dad was taking a snooze. I feel so loved.

The train began to move. It was so exciting! Everything was exciting!

The compartment door opened.

"YAHHH!" I was startled. A dignified kind of startled. Anyway, there was another boy at the door, apparently getting on last-minute, and not having a place to sit. So he sat with us.

My first impression was that he looked kinda like James. Of course, we already had our conversation about first impressions. Well, his hair was longer, and he didn't have glasses, plus he looked more… something. Mysterious? Dark? I don't know. Something.

I had this weird thought that he wasn't bad looking, and if I was a girl, I would probably be madly in love with him right about now, even though he hasn't said a word except 'Hi.' Then I got really confused as to why I was thinking that, thought I might be gay, panicked, and stopped thinking all together.

Well, I'm not going to put you through every painfully boring detail of the train ride. All that's really important is that now Sirius Black is also my friend. I think.

The Sorting was scary. You get to sit on a chair, in front of the whole school, and… put a hat on. First I was really scared about it, then I saw we just had to put the hat on, and thought it was really stupid, then I got really nervous. Because I'm paranoid. Add that to my list.

6. The Hat will put me in a different house than all my friends (2!)

Or should that just say, 'Hats in general?'

Well, 'Black, Sirius' (the one from the train) was put in Gryffindor. I dreaded when I would have to put on the hat. What if… something incredibly stupid happened that would embarrass me terribly and rid me of the friends I have, and prevent me from ever getting more? Actually, I can't remember what it was that I had thought of, but believe me; it fits all the above requirements.

"Lupin, Remus!" Was finally called by the stern teacher who looked like she was always cross. Professor Mc-wotsit.

I walked over to the stool, and my legs went all jelloid. I thought I was going to collapse on the spot. It's not that I wasn't _trying_ to make my way to the stool! It just looked less and less appealing every moment…

But apparently I actually did it really fast. I ran over there and shoved the much too big hat over my head.

"Hmm… very interesting…" A little voice in my head said. It startled me. A lot. I think I mentally screamed at it for ages, because it scared me. I screamed at it for scaring me, for being in my head, for not warning me it would be there, for saying my brain was interesting, for being a hat, and eventually it yelled at me to shut up so it could read my mind properly.

Huff. Whoever thought of giving a hat brains was a gormless oik.

But I think the hat heard me think that, because it made an offended noise.

"Well... what you face every month... that makes you very brave…" The hat thought into my head. It's very unnerving, having someone else think in your head, you know. "You're also very loyal… hmm… very clever, you are…"

I think I my have started screaming at it to stop thinking in my mind again, because it suddenly shouted (out loud, this time,)

"Gryffindor!" I took the hat off and ran to sit by Sirius.

Luckily for me, James was also in Gryffindor.

I found myself longing for the sorting to be over, so I could eat. I didn't realize how starved I was until then. Of course, the thought "I'm hungry," came after "Gee, this goblet is really shiny," because that was when I realized I was staring at the goblet intently.

Finally, the last person was sorted into Slytherin (boo!) and then Professor Dumbledore stood up. He was another one of those people who gave the impression that he had been old forever. Everything went silent. Everyone was watching Professor Dumbledore intently. I think the fat boy across the table may have mistaken Dumbledore for a steak, as a bit of drool was running down the front of his robes.

Ew.

"Before we start our feast," Professor Dumbledore spoke, obviously missing the fact that he was being drooled at. It probably would have been flattering, if the fat bloke didn't seem so hungry. And fat. "I would like to say a few words. And here they are! Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!" Everyone laughed. "No, let's get to the marvellous food."

And we did. The plates and dishes filled up before our wyes. It was quite astonishing. I don't think I've ever seen so much food in my life. Well, so much food in one place. Er, so much edible food in one place. Stop looking at me like I'm a goosegog.

I know it's hard to believe, but once all that food appeared… we ate. Unexpected, wasn't it? Do diaries understand sarcasm? A diary with a fancy name like Galaderwalderwitz should.

We did a lot of eating. Everyone stuffed themselves silly. After that, I got really sleepy.

"Eating is hard work," I remember my Dad telling me, once. I wonder if he's dim on purpose? There's no way he doesn't notice it… or maybe that's part of his dimness.

Well, after the feast, Dumbledore gave a long speech that I neither care enough about nor have the wrist power to write out, so you'll just have to trust me that it was long and boring. And now I'm exhausted. Goodnight.

**Monday  
September 2nd,  
7:42 AM  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz  
**Wow. That was a lo0o0o0ong entry. Well, I guess I had a lot to say. I'm writing from the breakfast table now… oops, I think I got a bit of egg on you. Sorry.

Hmm. Just got timetables. First class is Transfiguration, then History of Magic, and after lunch, double Potions. James and Sirius are calling, so I'd better go.


	2. Sir Chappie the Second

A/N: Woohoo! I got a review! i love you, reviewy person! I'm estatic. And since I got a review, I've updated quickly. See? Yesyes. Hmm. Haha. Okay, just read now.

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**12:30 **

Dear Galaderwalderwitz

Transfiguration was cool. But I think McGonagall taught us a little unfairly… she got our hopes up about what we were going to learn by turning into a cat, and turning her desk into a pig (it stepped on a girls foot… she had to be taken to the hospital wing… snigger snigger), and then we got to spend the class turning matchsticks into toothpicks. Oh joy. I personally think James doesn't need any more pointy things around him… he's a danger to enough of the students as it is.

History of Magic is boring. I don't even remember what Professor Binns was supposed to be teaching us, anyway.

Well, at least I know I'm not a swot, because I can't manage to pay attention on the first day.

**9:14 **

Dear G

Double potions was double BORING. We have it with the Slytherins. They're _really_ annoying. Especially the girls who sit behind us. They have enormous gobs, which they have covered in lippy and cackle evilly in class it's not really cackling, really. It's more of a high-pitched shriek, which terribly reminds me of Nightwish.

Professor Bellamy (aka all-mighty potions person) is as boring as Binns and twice as stupid.

"We could probably beat his shins with sticks, and he wouldn't notice, as long as we said we were trying to learn to play rugby." James pointed out. Sirius laughed, and I got really confused because I had no idea what that had to do with anything. So I pointed this out in a roundabout way.

"James, that made absolutely no sense, dippy-pants." And that made James stop and blink at me, and someone flung a bit of sausage at his face. It was quite amusing, actually.

After dinner, I realized we had an incredibly lengthily essay to do for History of Magic. Who honestly gives that much homework on the first bloody day of school! And incredibly dim person, that who. Just because Professor Binns' life is nearly over doesn't mean he gets to ruin ours.

What a fun day. Joy joy.

**September 3rd **

12:20 PM

Dear Galaderwalderwitz

Sorry if I'm writing on a bit of a slant, my hand has not yet entirely recovered from that… eventful charms period. We're learning to make things fly. Feathers, most specifically. I could do it perfectly, and the Professor was so impressed, he got me to help an incredibly dim fat boy (I suspect he wears nappies) who had somehow managed to light Professor Fegan's toupee on fire. Insert various sarcastic sounds here.

Of course, Sirius and James, being the bright children they are, decided that feathers weren't very interesting, and started making various objects fly around the classroom. A particularly large textbook decided to land on my hand. Ergo, I've had a terrible case of spazzy fingers ever since.

**September 4th **

Pre-brekkie

Dear Galaderwalderwitz

I think Sirius stole my watch.

**Midday **

He did.

"Why?" I asked, out of curiosity. And annoyance.

"Because I don't have one. But look what we did! We charmed it to tell what's for the dindins, instead." He replied. He is exceptionally dim.

"You are exceptionally dim." And now, I have no watch. Joy.

**Still midday **

He called dinner _dindins_?

Good grief.

**September 6th **

Midday

Dear Galaderwalderwitz

Defence Against the Dark Arts is very frightening. Not because we're learning anything that is frightening; Professor Hart is quite possibly the baldest person alive. He looks like a boiled egg in robes. And he is a complete nutter. It's quite frightening. I think he thinks he's Irish, because he says things like 'Blimey O'Reily's trousers!' and talked at us for a million years about haggis.

"Who's Blimey o'Reily?" James asked me during class.

"Probably some bloke with really big trousers." I replied. Well, that's the impression I got. Do _you _know who he is? Of course not. You're a diary.

**September 7th **

Post-Brekkie Morning

Dear G

Woohoo! It's the weekend! Now I get to spend some quality time doing some homework for the Elderly Mad (aka Hart) while James and Sirius try out their newest prank on some unsuspecting student. Probably Fat Boy (aka Peter).

Right after breakfast, I headed down to the library to do work on my essay. I accidentally (really!) walked into a girl with incredibly greasy black hair. I wasn't paying attention, and I walked into her, and fell on my bum.

"Oops, sorry." I said, picking myself up. The person I walked into turned around, and I got the most horrible shock I had since… I can't remember when, actually.

Anyway, not only WASN'T the person a girl, but they had the HUGEST NOSE I had EVER seen!

I'm sure that if I did not have better control over myself, my mouth would have dropped open, and I would have shuddered and backed away in disgust at the size of that conk.

"Watch where you're going, _Lupin_." He spat my last name like it was some sort of horrible plant that had given him terrible welts on his… err, he just spat it in disgust, and stomped away in a wave of his overly greasy hair. I was surprised he could even turn with that gigantic nose. You'd think it would hit the wall.

Urrgh. Now I feel all greasy from walking into him. I need to go wash myself.

**Afternoon **

Dear G,

Worst fears confirmed. Peter wears nappies. Eleven years old, and wearing diapers. How do I know? He left on in my bed. A poo filled one.

Ew.

I refuse to sleep in a bed that is filled with poo explosion. I'll have to… sleep on the floor… or bunk with Siri or something. I'm not sleeping in it until someone cleans, exterminates, disinfects and exorcises it.

Okay, onto my _other _worst fear. TOMORROW IS THE FULL MOON! What am I going to do? I will have to talk to Madam Pomfrey. What if James and Sirius find out? Worry worry, fret fret. Surely they won't want to be hanging out with a werewolf. Oh no! Gah! Worry worry, fret fret, bother bother… ugnnnhhhh….

**September 8th, **

Evening

Dear G

All aloney, on my owney.

I suppose I could whine at you for forty years about how horrible turning into a werewolf is, but that isn't very interesting.

I'm in a weird little hut thingy in Hogsmead… but no one knows I'm here, except Dumbledore and Madam Pomfrey. Madam Pomfrey came and got me, and I had to go in this tunnel that's in the roots of this willow tree. Simple, eh? Well, not really, because the tree likes to beat people up if they go near it. Madam Pomfrey had a big stick that she prodded the knot on the trunk with it, and it froze (As in stopped moving, not entrapped in a ginormous ice cube. Durrrr.). Handy.

It's actually quite nice in here. There's a little table and a couple of chairs and a neat little bed… I don't see what the point is, though, if I'm just going to kill it to the extent that furniture can be killed.

I hope James and Sirius are feeling particularity dim tonight. They were out causing mayhem and destruction when I Madam Pomfrey came for me, so I just quickly left a note. My excuse was pitiful; so pitiful I'm embarrassed to say it to my diary.

Anyway, I really don't think they will buy it. I just hope they don't piece two and two together…

**September 9th **

Dear G

Luckily, James and Sirius are particularly dim.

"'Morning, Rem. Hope the squatters didn't steal too much... and I hope your 'rents had a lovely time in Bermuda," Was the first thing I heard today.

I'm not sure if I should be proud of my spectacular brilliance in the excuse department, or ashamed of my mates who are ludicrously slow.

**Common Room (after class-ish) **

Me and Sirius and James sitting in the Common Room, doing our homework, disguising ourselves as regular students when we are, in fact, incredible loons. We were doing our homework when this girl with a large amount of red hair walks up to us.

"Are you using this book?" She said, gesturing to some textbook sitting on the table. I shook my head, and she took it and left. (Don't worry, there is actually a point to this story.)

"Ginger nob," Sirius whispered to me, and we started sniggering. Then we looked at James, and he was doing this weird opening and closing his mouth thing. I don't think he realized he was doing it. He looked like a goldfish. He just ogled the girl from a far, in a goldfishy manner. We just stared at him, waiting for his brain to come back from the holiday it just went on. He kept staring. And opened his mouth again. I stuck my quill in his mouth.

That got James's attention. He coughed and sputtered, "What in the name of McGonagall's moustache are you doing?"

Sirius and I started laughing like loons on loon pills (ie, a LOT) and James wandered off to leave us to do our homework in peace.

McGonagall's moustache indeed.

**September 17th **

After Dindins

Dear Galaderwalderwitz

James and Sirius looked all excited. They keep whispering. Excitedly. That would be where I got the assumption they were excited.

"We found a secret passageway!" Sirius told me, when e and James excited their way over to me.

"Yeah! You go to the big statue of the witch with the hump, you tap it, and you say 'dissendium,'" How would they figure that out? Do they tap statues and say random words on a regular basis? Good grief.

"We don't know where it goes, though."

"You need to come with us."

I wonder if they realize I don't care?

**Later **

I don't know how I get myself dragged into these things, because now I'm cold, wet, and underground. Brilliant.

**In bed **

Gahh. I'm all soggy. I'll have to get back at those two for that. Snuggle snuggle under the covers, and somehow manage to write at the same time. Sometimes I amaze myself.

The tunnel went on for twenty years, and then there was a stairway that was even longer. But, eventually, we did get somewhere. We came up in a cellar. I tried to turn back, but the others wanted to see where we had come up. So, we came up from the cellar, and were in Honeydukes, a sweets shop in Hogsmead.

After that, I managed to get Sirius and James to come back, thank Merlin. Who knows what they would have done loose in Hogsmead? I say they, because I would have marched right back to Hogwarts, whether they were coming or not. So we went back, but not before the other two managed to snag some candy.

Great. Now I'm a thief.

Oh well. At least I have sweets.

**September 18th **

Dear G

Ugghhhnnnhh. I'm exhausted. No more midnight escapades for me.

**September 20th **

Dear G

Professor hart is particularly useless. Rather than teach us anything, he tells us stories about the production of Swiss Cheese flavoured crackers, or long tales about when he went on trips to places I'm sure you've never heard of.

After a long and boring lesson about salsa dancing with the Giant Squid, we were headed to lunch.

I say 'we', as in James, Sirius, Indecent Peter, and Me. Indecent Peter seems to have attached himself to James for some reason. There's a story to tell behind that, but that is for another time, and right now, I want to get to the nub of my story.

We were walking to lunch. I was hungry and my brain had died from visions of Hart salsa dancing(shudder).

"What's for lunch?" I asked Sirius dully.

"Uh oh…" He said, peering at his watch uncertainly (you know, the one that tells what's for lunch. Actually, it's my watch. But he stole it and, quite frankly, I don't want it back.) Now, where was I before I so rudely interrupted myself?

"What?" Indecent Peter asked.

"It says… 'experimental dish.'" We blinked at him.

"Oh dear."

Then, when we got to lunch, we all were rather uncertain about the food. Quite rightfully, if I do say so myself.

It was macaroni.

Without the cheese.

"House elves getting a little lazy, eh?" A fourth year said as he sat down beside Sirius.

"No, it's an experimental dish." Sirius replied, full of all-knowing-ness.

"How do you know that?" The fourth year raised an eyebrow at him.

"My watch says so." He replied, and everyone (i.e., me, James, Sirius, and Indecent Peter… you know, the people who matter. Not that Indecent Peter matters, but he just kind of copies everything James does. Therefore he counts.) started laughing hysterically. Unfortuneatly, the fourth year did not get the joke, looked at us like we were crossing the line into bonkerdom, and moved to a different seat.

I feel so loved.

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A/N: W00t! Not as long as Sir Chappie the First, but I think this one is better. Actually, I can't remember what's int he firsty one. ff .net likes to kill my format, though. Aw well. It's readable.

If you review, I'll love you forever. If you flame... (not that I see why you could...)... I'll love you forever anyway. Now I'm off to listen to some crazy-esque techno music. Pip pip for now!


	3. What in the name of?

**A/N: **Oh good grief. I had this all perfect and everything, started working on the next chapter - then I realized I completely missed the month of October. Actually, I only had to change three word in the document, but I accidentally deleted the whole document without doing the nifty copy + paste trick so I hardly had to do anything (because it does through major editing once uploaded on ff dot net). So I basically have to do the whole thing over again. Oh well. Turn up the Godsmack, put on a brave face, and set to work once again.

Well, I need to reply to some of the reviews before I can go on with the story, but you don't have to read this part if you don't want to, just skip to the line that means that the story starts. Anyway.

CookieJunkie: Of course, you say that, and I start imagining all sorts of weird things that I have do. Lol. I hope this chapter caters to you fantasy ;)

Headmistress Skies: Yes, Nightwish /was/ a music reference. just be glad I didn't name him 'Daft Punk' or 'Omobolasire' or something. Oo  
I'll gladly join the RP site thingy, but I need the URL. If you posted it in the review... we've got a bad case of meanie site, and you need to email it to me.  
Don't worry, you're not alone... I have a weird laugh too.Mine sounds like a half-strangled cat.

tweeny-weeny: I don't know if he'll be gay... hmmm... I seriously have almost nothing planned for this story. He could very well end up being gay. But either way, there will be loads of gay jokes before this story is over.

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**September 23rd **

Dear G

Dreamt about Sirius and Professor Hart salsa dancing, then James tackled me and started suffocating me with a pillow. I woke with a start, then I realized actually couldn't breathe.

Peter was sitting on my diaphragm. Well, I say my diaphragm, but really he was sitting on my ribs, diaphragm, and stomach, because his bottom is so huge.

What I would like to say happened was that I used my super-human strength to throw him off me, beat him with a pillow until he was limp, yelled that he has the biggest bottom known to humanity, and stalked off in a dignity-at-all-times way.

But that's not what happened. Actually, I made a little wheezing sound as the last of the air was forced out of my lungs, deflated under Peter's enormous weight, and made a couple of noises that were supposed to be shouts for air. Eventually Peter got the point and got off me. I sat up and attempted to scream at him with all my strength, but just wheezed a little more, then toppled over and passed out.

Brilliant beginning of the day, eh?

Then when I woke up (for the second time) I heard Sirius yelling at Peter. "I said wake him up, not kill him!" Well, that's one person who doesn't want me dead.

**After Dinner **

Sirius and James have detention… something about throwing a jelly filled sock at someone… and that means that Peter has decided that I'm as good to follow around as James. He is so bloody annoying. I was sitting under a tree, by the lake, enjoying the weather while it lasts, and Peter was there too. Sitting there. Being annoying. Even though he wasn't doing anything.

Anyway, we were just sitting there, staring at the water. Suddenly, a giant tentacle surfaced. It made me jump. I didn't think Professor Hart was actually telling the truth when he said there was a giant squid in the lake.

Peter also seemed to remember that lesson, because he suddenly yelled out, "CAN YOU SALSA DANCE?"

That was the final straw.

I stood up, kicked him in the lake, and stalked off with what dignity I had left. Good grief.

**September 24th **

Dear Galaderwalderwitz

Nightwish brought me a letter today, from Mum and Dad. It's really boring and stupid, but it came with a small package of chocolates.

Didn't come with the morning post, though, and now that he's found out where I am, he won't go away. Good grief. As if it wasn't hard enough to do my homework without his constant screeching and pecking and pooping.

Oh well. He seems to have made friends with Lily's cat, Holly. She's awfully creepy, (the cat, not Lily) though. All she really does is lie on things that are not appropriate to be sleeping on. Like homework. Or textbooks. Or my bed. But James won't let us touch Holly when she's sleeping. (I figure it's because she's Lily's.)

"She's sooo cute!" James says. James has a warped version of 'cute.' The cat splays herself out, head on its side, with her legs up in the air, one eye is always a little open, (and rolls backwards so that all you can see is the creepy white part) and mouth open, tongue hanging out, drooling profusely. And it doesn't help that it's so skinny that you can see her ribs, and her skin is really loose and floppy. The bloody thing looks dead when it sleeps.

Lily seems refuses to believe that her cat is the living dead, though. "Oh, she's just old," Or, "Oh, she's just got the runs." Well, you know what happens when you're old and you get the runs?

You die!

I rest my case.

**Later **

Yummy scrumbos, chocolate.

**Later (again) **

I am going to carry a bagful of chocolate everywhere I go.

**September 26th **

Herbology

Dear Galaderwalderwitz

Professor Sprout thinks a good lesson for an icky cold rainy day like today is to tromp around the edge of the Forbidden Forest and looks for plants that have magical properties. I, on the other hand, think Professor Sprout is completely bonkers.

James, Sirius, and Me (and Peter, unfortunately) huddled together, shivering.

"I wonder why the forest is Forbidden," James asked, regarding it with interest. I groaned inwardly, feeling another midnight exploration coming on.

"Because there are all sorts of dangerous things living in there!" Peter squeaked between chattering teeth.

"Like what?"

"Like werewolves!" Peter whimpered. I was so shocked, for a minute I forgot to shiver.

Sirius didn't seem to take notice, though, because he bluntly replied, "Don't be stupid, Peter; werewolves aren't real."

"We had better get something, or Sprout will think we are slacking off." I said quickly, wanting to change the subject.

"We _are _slacking off." James replied thickly. Good grief.

Well, we gathered (and by 'we gathered' I defiantly mean 'we made Peter gather') some daisies to give to Professor Sprout, and spent the rest of the lesson singing 'Purple Haze' and dancing wildly.

**September 28th **

Dear Galaderwalderwitz

The school is buzzing with gossip. Apparently some Hufflepuff 6th year had an accident in Divination. People are saying she can 'see your secret power' now. Whatever that means. Still, I figured had better steer clear of her in case it has anything to do with the you-know-what that happens once a month.

When we were leaving the library, I got spotted. It was really weird. She pointed at me (from across the library) and shouted, "AND THAT ONE!" I froze. The 6th year ran over, and I noticed her eyes were all hazy and glazed over. She promptly continued yelling.

"THAT ONE IS A DREAM SEER!" He finger was an inch away from my face now. Very creepy, actually.

"No I'm not." I said.

"Go ahead, Remmie. Tell us whatever you dreamed last." Sirius said calmly. I felt a blush crawling across my face. I don't like being the centre of attention, and all eyes were defiantly on me.

"Err… I had a dream I was riding a flying motorcycle," I scratched my head, trying to remember. "And it was really loud. It got louder, and louder… then I woke up, and it turn out it was just Peter snoring." Everyone laughed, really hard. Except the weird person pointing at me, and me.

**Later **

Nightwish and his partner in crime (aka Holly) have been terrorizing the innocent again. There are suspicious bits of goo everywhere. Wait, that might have been James and Sirius…

You just never know, these days.

**September 30th **

Dear G

All aloney, on my owney.

It's Saturday. Normally that would mean something interesting would happen, but it's still early, and I can't say the other are exactly 'morning people.' Every time you try to wake them up, you risk being cursed six ways from yesterday. So now I am sitting on the windowsill. It's very nippy noodles out side, but I daren't shut the window. It would ruin the poetic-ness of the moment.

Grey skies, grey clouds, grey jimjams.

Yes, my jimjams are grey. It's better that James' – his have pink hearts on them.

Sigh.

Alone, all aloney,

on my owney.

Well, I don't have to worry about ruining the poetic-ness of the moment anymore, as Nightwish just flew by and pooed on my head.

Sigh.

I really wish he would just go back to the Owlry, or wherever it was he came from. Not a day goes by without finding some lovely gift in my bag – whether it be a bit of meat, a patch of fur, or a pellet. Or Nightwish himself, which was _really _a surprise, when I discovered him in the middle of Potions. Talk about embarrassing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go wash my hair.

**Later **

Bloody hell. I had once again managed to get myself dragged into one of James and Sirius's attempts to get a detention. Only this time, instead of staying safe inside the detention-giving walls of Hogwarts, they've decided to go tramp through the Forbidden Forest.

"I could be doing something useful right now," I complained as we sauntered across the grounds.

"Like what?" James snorted. "You already did all your homework."

"And Pete's homework." Sirius added. I sulked.

"Still… I could be… embroidering toilet roll holders or something." But James and Sirius ignored my pleas and headed on their (and my, unfortunately) journey towards certain death. If I hadn't been so fearful for my life, I would have wondered why none of the teachers saw us. Especially the big hairy bloke who lives in the hut. We walked right by it… the hut, not the hairy bloke.

And suddenly, the ground began to tremble as the great lard that is Peter Pettigrew lumbered towards us. (Okay, not really… but he does run quite loudly.)

"JAMES! SIRIUS! REMUS! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" He shouted at us, as he stopped to catch his breath. He had better take a break; that incredibly round shape of his is can't be used to so much physical activity.

Am I being harsh?

No. I am being accurate.

"Bloody hell, Peter!" Sirius said, sounding muffled, as James strode off to help his one-man fan club. Eventually, they made their way to where Sirius and I were waiting for them/standing impatiently. "What in the name of Remmie's pink panties and matching bra set are you being so bloody loud for?"

I am so very offended.

And I showed it, by promptly smacking Sirius upside the head. I am forever miffed.

But Sirius seemed to miss that, because then he went on to say, "Oh, was I not supposed to say anything about that?" I kicked him in the shin very hard, and stalked back up to the castle.

And so I have prevented my life being eaten by angry centaurs and giant spiders (or whatever it is that hides in that freaky forest) for now.

But I still have not gotten back at Sirius. A smack to the head and a kick in the shin still do not compare to the emotional damage he has caused me. He does not seem to understand that I am not just some person you can make fun of and get away with it, though he will when I leap out from behind the door when they return wearing the false beard I have found while rummaging through Sirius's things. Tee hee.

**October 1st **

Evening ish type time

Dear Galaderwalderwitz

Down in the common room, there is a birthday party or something going on. Possibly a 'Happy October' party.

Anyway, I am choosing to exclude myself from the festivities, as James's brain would fall out as soon as he saw Lily, Sirius would be getting drunk on Butterbeer, (don't ask me how... I guess he just doesn't hold alcohol well) and that would leave me to hang out with my dear chums, Peter, Holly, and Nightwish.

Unfortunately, I do not feel like being drooled or pooed on tonight (and all three of them do it) so I am going to turn in early. Catch up on the sleep I've missed from previous night out marauding about with my fellow Marauders.

**Midnight… or later… **

No chance of that. I was sleeping soundly when Sirius burst into the room singing, (shouting more, actually)

"Sex Bum, Sex BUM, I'm a Sex Bum!" I am afraid for his dwindling sanity. And mostly just afraid OF him at the moment, which is why I have barricaded myself in the bathroom. It's very pingy pongoes in here, but if I wasn't in here, I would have to have barricaded myself in the closet, and I can think of at least twenty jokes about me being in the closet.

So, Sirius is drunk, James's brain fell out, Peter never had a brain to begin with, and I am hiding in the bathroom. Sigh. Sleepless night spotted ahead.

**November 2nd **

Breakfast

Dear Galaderwalderwitz

Sirius is very irritable today, so I have decided to find someone else to hang around today.

**Bed **

Dear G

Lily and her friends took me under their wing today. Oh the laughs and japes we have had, and this afternoon I found myself learning to tap-dance. Tomorrow, the excitement builds; they might teach me how to fold scarves.


	4. I accidentally ate it

**A/N:** Yess… two chapters in two days! Exciting. I really don't like this chapter, actually. I wrote most of it at three in the morning with a cat trying to sit on my face. Oh well. I'm too lazy to re-write it. So... two chapters in two days! Plus it's still the beginning of the day, so I can get well on my way into the next chapter as well…

* * *

**October 3rd  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz  
**After deciding that scarf-folding _definitely _wasn't my thing, I scurried off to the library, to find James and Sirius, and to do my homework. And possibly make then do their homework. 

Anyway, the nub and thrust is, I was going to the library to hide from Lily and her mental scarf-folding friends.

That is when I found something disturbing. Very disturbing.

James and Sirius were in the 'Old Witch Weekly Section.' (That's obviously not what it's called- and it's not even supposed to be there, it's just a stack of old Witch Weekly's that older(ish) girls keep, and has been accumulating over the years.)

"Did you find any interesting articles in that one?" James asked Sirius, looking up from the magazine in his lap.

"No… I'm taking this fascinating quiz, though… I Are Your Standards Too High/I " Sirius replied. I couldn't see their expressions, because I was behind them. And they obviously didn't know I was there, because they continued on with their conversation.

"Well?" James asked, peering over at it. "Are they?"

"Apparently." Sirius sounded a little puzzled. " _You're a picky about your boys; you always aim for the best of the best. _" Sirius read out loud.

_"Try lowering your standards a little. After all, that quiet boy behind who sits behind you in Potions could be just what the doctor ordered." _James finished, over his shoulder.

"Remmie sits behind me in Potions," Sirius said thoughtfully.

"Hmmm," James said, in a sort-of agreement thing.

"So… what do you think? Is Remmie a chocolate guy or a flowers guy?"

I decided I did not want to hear the rest of this conversation, and shuffled off quietly.

I might as well get this out of my system: GAH ICK BLEH AHH UGH WAAAHHHH.

There. I'm done.

**Later  
**For the record, I'm a chocolate guy.

**Later  
**Though I like those white roses… they're nifty.

**Later  
**WHAT the HECK am I talking about?

**October 5th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz  
**Potions today was… eventful. Rather than actually make a potion, like we are supposed to, we got a long lecture on the importance of safety procedures when working with potions (you can fully blame that one on James and Sirius).

As you can imagine, that is not the most exciting lesson. I was bored out of MIND (even though you might protest that I was already out of my mind)(who am I kidding, you are a diary, you can't protest), and was fiddling absently with my wand.

I can't remember what I did, but I accidentally shrunk Professor Bellamy's robes. Not a whole lot, in fact, he didn't even notice, but I'm sure every student in the class was staring at where hairy leg gave into horribly tacky socks. And I do mean HORRIBLY tacky socks.

They were PLAID.

Ew.

As you can imagine, most of the students (ie, Gryffindors) were either shocked (and appalled) at the hairiness of the leg or the horribly naff socks, or basically fighting to keep from laughing out loud.

Of course, to every rose has its thorn. Or it's snake, if you've been reading Shakespeare.

Near the front of the room, a hand shot up in the air. A greasy, unbathed hand, one that was attached to a ginormous nose and over greasy hair. Not directly, obviously – argh you know what I mean.

It was The Big Nosed Kid (aka My Sworn Enemy (aka Severus Snape)(ish))!

"…And it is always inappropriate to run while holding boiling – Yes, Mr. Snape?" Professor Bellamy said absently, not changing his bored-with-his-own-lecture tone.

"Lupin shrunk your robes." The little whiner reported. I suddenly felt very cold. Yes, I get afraid just at the thought of getting in trouble. Anyway, I quickly tried to come up with an excuse. Unfortunately, I am not gifted in the thinking up excuses department.

Bellamy looked down at his robes, at his hairy legs, and at his naff socks. "No, these are just my short ones," He said boredly and continued on with his boring lecture. I was speechless. Not that I would have talked in class anyway, but you get the point.

I didn't even get in trouble.

And what's more, Professor Bellamy's legs are covered in hairy forests. I swear you could see things MOVING in there!

Ew.

I had to eat a bunch of chocolate to make myself not feel sick. (Don't ask me how that works.)

**October 6th/7th (ish)  
Middle of the Night  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz  
**Nightwish dropped me off a little gift. Of course, I was asleep at the time, (being as it is the middle of the night) and did not get to appreciate it until it started wriggling its way into my bedclothes.

I have once again barricaded myself in the loo.

I will light candles, sing jolly songs, read, dance like a loon, learn to play the lute, do whatever I want, but rest assured, there will be no sleep for me tonight after that traumatizing experience. (Shudder.) I never want to see another rodent in my life.

Uck… it is too smelly in here. I cannot stay in here. I suppose I could venture back into the dorm room… as long as I don't go anywhere near my bed. That thing might still be in it! Waiting for it's next unsuspecting victim (ie, me,) to crawl all snug and warm under the covers, and then… er… what exactly could a little rodent (I think it was a mouse? I don't know… as you can imagine, I didn't stick around.) do? Tunnel in your navel, I suppose.

It doesn't matter. It's creepy and icky and (probably) smelly and I do not want it in my bed.

But I'm tiiireeeedddd… I'll just sleep on the floor. It's warm enough… I don't need my blankets.

**Later  
**"…Remmie?" It was Sirius.

"Mmmhhmmm?"

"...What are you doing?"

"Sleeping."

Sirius raised a mental eyebrow. Or something. I imagined him raising an eyebrow, maybe… something weird like that. "Why are you on the floor?"

"There's a mouse in my bed."

"Why is there a mouse in your bed?"

"Nightwish put it there. Don't annoy me; I don't want to have to kill you this early in the morning." By now, I was completely awake. Well, not completely. But completely enough to function properly.

"You're afraid of sleeping with a mouse?" Sirius was really beginning to bug me.

"I swear, Sirius, if you are just going to make fun of me, you will be headed to the hospital with tentacles on your face."

"…You can sleep in my bed, if you want."

"No!"

"Why?"

"You're sleeping in your bed." Good grief. Sirius is quite possibly the dimmest person I know. Wait, I'm lying. Peter's dimmer.

"I can sleep on the floor."

"No."

"Why not?"

"…You're stupid, go to sleep."

It's really weird, but I swear that's how our conversation went.

**Morning**  
Got up. Threw a textbook at Nightwish. Went to brekkie. The story of my life.

**October 8th  
History of Magic  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz  
**I was quite right when I said Professor Binns's life was nearly over. I'm not bringing this up because he caked on the homework; he literally died last night. Mind you, I don't think he noticed – still came to class, bored us bonkers like nothing had changed, even though for a while we were staring at him with our mouths hanging open.

We got over it though, and rather quickly. The normal haze over the classroom has returned.

**October 9th  
Dear G,  
**Bloody hell. I completely forgot tonight is the full moon! I'll have to lure James and Sirius (and Peter, by default) away so I can escape without question.

**In my little Werewolf hut  
**Haha, no one (or, at least not James and Sirius) can resist the temptation of a large bowl of lime-flavour jelly. Whether they are going to eat it, spread it on people's beds, or fill socks with it and sling them at people, I don't know, and what's more, I don't care.

That is because 'my mother is ill.'

Good grief, I'm hungry. I should have eaten more.

Oh, it's getting dark. I better put you away…

**October 10th  
**Tips for being a werewolf:

1.Eat well before you transform.  
2.Do NOT bring leather-covered diary with you to transform, especially if you are really hungry.

That's right. RIP Galaderwalderwitz. I accidentally ate it.

But I did get a new diary (that would be you) from Madam Pomfrey. I hereby dub thee Galaderwalderwitz the second.

**October 11th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz II  
**There's nothing to do in this place, once you're done your homework, and if you don't want to be dragged all around everywhere by the two most bonkers people in the universe. (You get three guesses who I'm talking about.) I happened to mention this to my other less-loony pallys, Lily, Louise and Jenni.

I said, "Have you noticed how exceptionally crap it is here?"

"There are plenty of things to do here. You just have to make things happen. You can't just sit around expecting something interesting to lie down in from of you." Louise told me. "And you tend to exaggerate."

"You could always fold scarves with me," Jenni said thoughtfully.

"No, I think I'll pass on that one." I said, that edged away back into my dorm room.

**Midnight  
**Hoot hoot. Scuffle scuffle. Root root. Hey, Louise is right, this is fantastic! There's an all night party going on right outside the window! I would join in, but sadly I am not a badger.

**October 12th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz II  
**Nightwish came prancing in. I say prancing, rather than flying, as a normal owl would, because he sort of hitches a ride on the back of Holly. I don't know how a zombie can carry a bird that is probably three times her weight, but she does. They go everywhere like that.

Ugh, Nightwish smells awful. I think he's been rubbing in fox poo or dead voles again or something. He seems think its some sort of really attractive aftershave.

It's really not.

And that's my day. Happy Friday, everyone! Sorry, I forgot the confetti.

**October 13th  
Dear G II,  
**Ughh. I really don't like hanging out with girls. It's all giggles, makeup, boys and… that's it, actually.

I'd go see what the Marauders (it's much to long to say Sirius, James and Peter) are up to, but unfortunately it's not much better, with James stalking Lily, Peter having some sort of poo explosion, and Sirius singing "Dancing bean! Dancing been! Feel the touch of tangerine!"

Oh yes, sounds like brilliant fun.

So usually I sit with Lily and crew. I don't say anything, just smile like an imbecile if anyone looks at me, because I really don't have anything to say to,

"Oh, that 6th year Hufflepuff is so gorgey! He is my one and only super duper pash!" Which is basically what is said all day. Half the time I can't understand what they're talking about anyway.

I would go in the dorm and whine about being alone, but I think Peter had another accident in there. Plus I think Nightwish and Holly are having some sort of ritual demonic summoning or something. Because everyone knows that's what owls and cats do together. They summon the forces of Hell.

**October 16th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz II  
**My hair is getting too long. It's always in my eyes these days. I am in dire need of a hair cut.

I want to cut it, but Sirius won't let me. He says 'it looks cool.'I don't see what's so 'cool' about having great clumps of hair stabbing in your eyes, (but then, I can't really see much) going blind and walking into everything, crushing small children and elderly pensioners as you lumber your way about, trying to find the loo.

"No, Sirius is right, it looks nifty." James agreed. What does he know about hair? His looks like he put a bush on his head, except not as nice looking.

"I can give you a trim, if you'd like… but your hair does have a cool style." Sirius said. I looked at him strangely. His hair looks like a longer version of James's, except cleaner.

"I'll pass." I said, not wanting to put my head, scissors, and one of these loons in the same room. Sirius shrugged, and Peter made some incomprehensible squeaking.

So now I always have to swish my hair to one side to be able to see out of one eye. I think I might go blind in the other, but whatever works. Maybe if I grow it let out, I can keep it in a ponytail. (Not that my hair is anywhere near that length yet.) But then I'd look more like a girl then I already do. Which would be quite unfortunate, as I am obviously not a girl.


	5. The Chronicles of the Very Annoying

**A/N:** Noooooo! It's so short! I'm sorry, I had a (three day long) Family Reunion. I don't kow why we want to reunite our family, we all despise eachother with the firey passion of ten thousand burning suns, but whatever. All the grownups do is sit around and talk about air conditioning, but me and Sarah had a good laugh about grownups getting drunk, passing out and choking on their own vomit.

I told you my family was weird.

Anyway, the gist and nub is I couldn't go on the computer for three days straight, and before, my mum had painted the floor in the basement (for no apparent reason) andthat meant I couldn't go on the computer, so that was about five days of computer-less time. What a waste.

So I haven't been slacking off, it's my mum and her insanity. I hope you can forgive me for taking so long. I decided you deserved an update, no matter how short. So here it is.

Wait, I have to reply to reviews first! Gah!

DrunkenBuddie82: As it turns out, my chicken is VERY funky. But my goose isn't very loose. Thank you!

Quicksilver Foxx: You still said 'son' lol that's awesome. Thanks for the review, you're my bestest buddy.

Hit Me With a Stick: Don't mind if I do+hits you with stick+ Erm.. anyway... Thankies for thelubbly review! I'm glad you love my story. It makes me feel special.

Carnivalgirl: No worries, he really does love them. He just hasn't firgured that out yet.

Queen Red Rum: Don't worry, you won'tbe unhappywhen you get to the Asylum. It's all parties down here. Her's your update. I hope you like ;)

Headmistress Skies: It still swallowed it. Boo. But I joined through the URL on your profile. So yeeeaaahhh, I applied.

**

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**October 17th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz II  
**I have no backbone. I gave into his incredible skills of persuasion.

I let Sirius cut my hair.

Well, 'cut' isn't really the proper term. I should say, 'trim' or 'style.' He cut off some of the longish bits at the back, but that's really about all he did. He left the vision-impairing part and everything.

"I think you missed a spot," I said, pointing at the clump of hair that had succeeded at sticking itself in my eye.

"No, you see, you just push it to the side kind of…" I think Sirius thinks he's a hairdresser. I have said this before, and I'll say it again: I am worried for his dwindling sanity.

"I'm going to have to walk with my head on a slant so I can see." I pointed out, tilting my head (to emphasis my point) and looking at myself in mirror.

"Rem."

"What?"

"Stop talking now."

**Later  
**It doesn't matter what I do with my hair. It grows a meter a week anyway.

**October 20th  
Library  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz II  
**I really don't like being done my homework. It means I have nothing to do, unless it includes being in on one of James's hair-brained schemes to set a peanut butter-filled trap for Big Nose Kid (who is everyone's sworn enemy.). I, for one, do not fancy scrubbing hospital wing bedpans, so I have decided to sit out for the time being.

I admit, I love the library, and I love books, but there is nothing for recreational reading down here. I don't really want to learn all the symptoms of Blubberiteous right now, so I asked the librarian if there actually was anything in here that wasn't a textbook (or a old Witch Weekly magazine).

Aha! There is actually a section of recreational reading… doesn't look like anyone's been in it for a while, though…

**Later  
**Blimey O' Reily's very ugly trousers. I know Shakespeare is supposed to be a genius and everything… but what is he going on about? I What light doth through yonder window break/I

For God's sakes, it's the bloody moon!

Moron.

**October 21st  
Dear G II  
**You can tell Halloween is near. I was going to Astronomy with my fellow Marauders, and we nearly walked into a scarecrow with a jack o' lantern head. Or more, it nearly walked into us. Then it tipped it's hat, said, "Gadzooks, I didn't see you there!" and walked away.

Not to mention Nightwish has a fan club of bats now that follow him around everywhere, and now they gang-poo on my things. Funfunfun.

I can't wait to see the decorations at the Halloween dance. They're going to have to be awfully good to top that crazy jack o' lantern man.

**October 22nd  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz II  
**James Sirius threw a Tupperware party today.

No joke.

I, as I'm sure you have noticed from weeks of being my diary, am not one to stand having a pink bowl forced on my head as a party hat.

I don't think it's necessary to go into the details, but in the end I stalked off, James had a large bruise on his jaw, Peter was squeaking incoherently, and Sirius was doing the Funky Chicken in the background.

Seriously, what planet do they come from? And how do I not go there?

Tired of barricading myself in the overly smelly loo, I have found another hideout of which I am sure the other won't come in (without my persuasion)… the library! I can always brush up on my Shakespearian English.

**Later(eth)  
**Shakespeare, thou art a totaleth loonee and thou dressed upeth as a girleth.

**Later  
**When I got back to the dorm room, James and Sirius were all huffy with me for not joining their Tupperware party. There was a big argument… first it started off with me having a short temper, and then it went on to me not having a sense of humor – which I do! – and it had somehow come down to me not knowing how to be annoying. Since I live to defy Sirius and everything he does, I was arguing against him.

"You've never been annoying a day in your life!" Sirius yeled.

"I have to! I can be very annoying if I want to be." I crossed my arms huffily.

"Wanna make a bet?"

"If you have the money." I won't bore you with the rest of the details; it mostly consisted with a lot of 'can not!' 'can too!' 'will not!' 'will too!' and even a couple of 'shan't!' 'shan too! …Wait…'

The nub and thrust is, from now until Halloween, I have to be very, very annoying. I have to annoy Sirius, James, and Peter, three of the most annoying people in the world.

And har-di-harhar, I think I will be able to pull this off.

I WILL have the last laugh. And he who laughs last… er… laughs the laughiest.

**October 23rd  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**For once, Nightwish has inspired me. I have placed all his bits of rotting - er, actually I don't want to think of what they are bits of – around Sirius's bed. When he woke up to the horrid stench, I insisted it was aromatherapy.

Ahahahahaha.

**History of Magic  
**I have used this valuable time to write Sirius a theme song.

(to Flinstones theme)

_Sirius,  
he's too serious,  
He's madly in love with Pettigrew,  
_

_Sirius,  
he's delirious,  
Last night I saw him eating a shoe _

Siri, was dancing naked on the train,  
Siri, he's addicted to cocaine,

When you're, around Sirius,  
Don't dress up like Bobo,  
His fettish for Bobo,  
Bobo the clown!

Sirius,  
He's mysterious,  
And he looks a bit like a toad,

Sirius,  
His real name is Gus,  
If we keep singing he just might explode.

We know, he won't ever get a wife,  
He had, better stop running with that knife,

When you're, with this Siri,  
You'll wonder why you smell thyme,  
Why do you smell thyme,  
Why does he smell like thyme?

Ahahaha. He who laughs last laughs last.

**Lunch  
**"Will thou passeth thy potaters?" I asked Peter. He looked at me reeeeaaaaalllyyyy oddly. But I guess that was to be expected. I don't think he understood a word I said, because he most definitely did not pass the potatoes.

"Oi Rem, you're not bugging Petey now, are you?" James asked, looking at me in a looking-at-me way. You know what I mean.

"Thy hath be'th a loonee of thy firsteth waters!" I cried out in a poetic angst. Ha-hahaha.

**After Dinner  
**Sirius walked into the dorm room, and I showed him how I had charmed his 'aromatherapy' to sing the theme song I made up in high-pitched voices. Turned around and left. Fortunatly, I also charmed them to follow him wherever he goes, so he never has to be without beautiful music.

Heh heh heh.

**Later  
**Sirius was trying to do his homework (gasp! That's actually surprising!) in the common room, so I hung around over his shoulder saying, "That's not how you spelled right!" really loudly every once and a while. Hah. I love bugging Sirius.

Then that got boring. So I sat beside him, pretending to be absorbed in a book. Every few minutes I slap him in the arm and mutter 'mosquito.'

**In Bed  
**I insisted on reading Sirius a bedtime story. So i wiggled up into his bed beside him, took up lots of room, and got out 'The Ugly Duckling.' I read it really loudly, in a helium-esque voice. Twice. Eventually he ordered me out of his bed so he could sleep.

Sirius still has't admitted I'm annoying yet. This is hard work. Oh well. I will get him yet.

**Middle of the Night  
**I decided to jump on his bed in the middle of the night and shout, "Pineapples! Have you got any pineapples!"

**October 24th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz II  
**I woke Sirius today by stuffing the Daily Prophet.

He sat up, glared at me and said, "Pineapples."

I grinned widely and replied, "Having nightmares again, Siri-poo?" And went down to breakfast humming his theme song.

At the doors to the Great Hall, I waited for him. Right before he entered the hall, i jumped through the doors and said (very loudly), "Here is the man who not only has a brilliant mind and wonderful wit, but can also sing!"

Needless to say, he was very confused when he walked in and everybody in the hall froze and stared at him.

"What did you do, Remus?"Sirius asked in an annoyed tone.

"Yes, we have no bananas." I replied. He smacked himself in the forehead exasperatedly.

**History of Magic  
**Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha SUCCESS! On the way to History of Magic, I was singing the Sirius Black Theme Song. As you may have noticed, he has not been in a good mood today. He snapped at me.

"Will you shut up? You're so annoy-" He stopped suddenly, realizing what he was saying. I laughed.

"Hahaha you said it! You said it! I win! You owe me three Galleons! Hahaha! I won!" I danced.

"SHUT UP!" He said viciously.

"Geez, you don't have to have a nervy b," I said, and skipped off ahead of him. Ha hahaha ha. I win. I won. I had the last laugh.

And he who laughs last... er... thinks the slowest.

Wait... oh, whatever.

**Potions  
**Sirius sent me a note.

_Yes, I admit it, You are VERY good at being annoying. Now you can't annoy me any more, so you need someone else to annoy. But I wouldn't want your talents to be wasted..._

I wrote him back.

_And WHAT do you mean by THAT?_

He wrote back,

_I'm just suggesting we annoy someone else. Someone like... my good pal, Snapey._

He grinned evilly at me, and I frowned.

_I think my just being alive annoys him. He's glaring at me at this very moment. _

Strangely enough, he was. He's a very creepy kid.

**October 25th  
**Even though I really didn't want to, and I most certainly didn't plan on it, I find myself being the mastermind behind James and Sirius's evil plans.I guess I owe them, for being so annoying.

Oh well. At least now we have pictures of Sirius sitting on top of Snape to laugh at.

The picture keeps acting out what happened over and over again. You'd think they'd do something else. But no, it's just Snape sucking up to his third year buddies, Malfoy and his cronies, then Sirius running up, tackling him, sitting on him, and getting up and running away again.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.


	6. Hermiting it up

**A/N: **Hello, my small chums! I hope you are partying it up wherever you may be. Here is chapter Shorty McShort Short. I'm going to my dad's house for the weekend (Thursday, Firday, Saturday AND Sunday) and he does not have internet. Which means I have to update with whatever I have now, or else you will all be sad pandas whilst I'm away. But luckily, I will be VERY bored on the weekend, and if I can get my dad's Stef-Hating computer to work, I will probably be able to write a chapter or two. So look for another chapter Sunday night/Monday morning.

Alrighty, then. This would be the part just for people who are cool enough to review, so if you are not cool enough to review, skip to the line that means the story starts.

RenegadeChicklet: I like lime green. Oo No, it's this really ugly grey/blue colour that apparently I picke dout. Well, thats what I've been informed, anyway. But we all know that Mum is not entirly sane at the best of times. Thanks for reviewing!

sari5156: Normal people's family reunions might look like people laughing and dancing, but mine looksmore like whales sunbathing, people glaring at eachother, and babys poking people in inappropriate places. Gah. We should make some sort of ban on family reunions.

Carnivalgirl: Aww, glad you loved it. Here's an update, hopefully this will keep you amused until I get my lazy butt updating again.

Jenna Lawrence: Glad you like. Hope this chappie is up to snuff ;)

Queen Red Rum: He grounded you fro escaping from the funny farm? Now that's just unfair. Parents are always grounding us innocent children for the strangest of things, like failing drama (don't ask me how I did it, but it happened). P

Morei Sky: I didn't think that so many people had read the Georgia Nicolson books! I guess the 'New York Times Bestseller' thing should have tiped me off... -.-; well, I'm glad you're enjoying it! Thank you for reviewing!

Zaurak: Thank you! I'm glad people are enjoying this, and that I haven't written something that wasn't utter crap :)

Sapphire Dragons: My brother said that it reminded him of Charlie Brown, because Remus is always saying 'good grief.' Weird. I've never even seen the show, so it's completely accidental. Of course, when you said this, it made me realize I hadn't ben doing the disclaimer at all. Wow, that's pretty embarassing. Well, I'd better do that now.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does because she's cooler than me. I don't own any Harry Potter characters, but Louise and Jenni are mine. I don't own Angus, Thongs and Ful-Frontal Snogging, Louise Rennison does because she's too clever to live. I don't own Peanuts or Charlie Brown of whatever the show is called. I don't even own most of the events that happen in this story, it's quite sad, really. I do own a lovely bird named Ricardo, not that he's in this story but after saying all this stuff that I don't own it makes me feel unimportant and I want to rub it in your face that I own something that you don't. So ha.**

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**

**Friday, October 31st  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Good grief, your name is too long to live. I'll have to change it to something shorter and snappier.

Of course, I am much to distressed to think of anything right now.

As you know, or should know if you have half a brain, today was Halloween. Ugh. SO EMBARASSING. I really am going to have to kill James and Sirius for dragging me into their little… whatist. And kill Peter too, just because I don't like him.

Well, today was Halloween. Like I mentioned before. But the point is, it was Halloween. James and Sirius decided it would be brilliantly funny to go to the day's classes dressed in Halloween costumes. The teachers have, unfortunately, given up on trying to stop them from doing anything that they ever do.

So I had to go about my day with a clown, a vampire, and Father Christmas. Well, I'm not actually sure if Peter was supposed to be Father Christmas, but he sure looked like it. He had a brown fake beard attached to his chin(s), but it got kind of off-white after he attempted to eat porridge with it on.

And as if that all wasn't embarrassing enough, they decided I was going to dress up, too.

But oh no, if I'm going down, I'm going down kicking and screaming.

In the end, James had to use his brilliant transfiguration skills (which I admit are better than mine) to turn my robes into a pink dress. Unfortunately, this was at breakfast, and something like that does not exactly go unnoticed.

As you can imagine, I got very angry - wouldn't you? – and demanded James turn my robes back.

Then Sirius said, "Alright, Rem, you can ruin our fun if you want to," And he, James and Peter got all quiet and mopey. Which I'm sure is very difficult to do, when you're wearing a big red clown nose. But then I felt all guilty, and had to let them leave me in the dress.

Then Sirius said brightly, "Thanks, Remmie! I knew you'd come around!" Shoved plastic Mickey Mouse ears on my head, and skipped off to class.

Oh, the embarrassment! I'm never going to see the light of day again. I'll become a British Boo Radley and live in my root cellar. If I even have a root cellar.

Right-o, then, I'll start tomorrow.

**Saturday, November 1st  
8 am (ish)  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Practising living in solitude for the rest of my life when James woke up and demanded to know why I was under my bed. He and Sirius tried everything to get me out, bribing, threatening, and even pulling me by the ankles.

In the end, Peter farting loudly caused the three of us to evacuate the room.

**8:15 (ish)  
**We can't go down to breakfast, because we're still in our jimjams. James won't even let us go down to the common room, because he's wearing his embarrassing ones with pink hearts. We can't go back into the room, for obvious reasons (Peter.). So we're just sitting in the stairwell.

It's very uncomfortable, because the three of us are all squished up at the door. Sirius and James are not very squishy people. Actually, they're kind of muscley, which is really creepy. Well, anyway, I barely have room to breathe. I also don't have enough energy to tell James to shut up, so unfortunately, we have to listen to him ramble on about Lily, who he can see from here. And that, as usual, means his brain has fallen out.

"Maybe I should ask her out…" He said dreamily.

"Ask her out where? In case you haven't noticed, we're at a boarding school. We can't go OUT anywhere." Sirius said flatly.

"Well… third years get to go to Hogsmead!" James pointed out.

"Oh yes, that'll go over real well. 'Do you wanna go out with me in two years? Great, thanks, see ya later.'" I told him sarcastically. Hopefully he's not too stupid to figure out that that was sarcasm.

Luckily, the conversation did not have to carry on much longer, because at that point, Peter managed to break down the door and send us all toppling to the bottom of the stairs.

It's very hard to live in solitude when your friends are intent on killing you.

**11(ish… maybe?)  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Had to get Peter to bring me food from the breakfast table, because I am too busy hermiting it up under my bed to go and get some myself. (Actually, I was fixing the door while everyone else was enjoying breakfast, because I didn't want to get in trouble for breaking it down.)

It was really gross though, because he put fried eggs in a napkin and rolled it up to bring it to me. Bleh. I'll have to go down to get my own lunch.

**After dindins… I'm not even going to try to guess what time it is  
**Hiding under the bed again. But this time, I'm not practising living in solitude. I'm hiding from James and Sirius, who are trying to get me to go to a Halloween/Happy November party. I don't know why the party wasn't thrown yesterday… on Halloween… but whatever.

The reasons I'm so intent on not going are because A) I have bad memories from last month's 'Happy October' party and B) I have to dress up. I've had enough dressing up to last a lifetime.

I shot under my bed when I saw them dressing up after dinner. It appears they're going in different costumes than yesterday. James is putting on some sort of misshapen wings… I think he's supposed to be a dragon/human hybrid. Peter is wearing a giant M&M. He doesn't look a whole lot different, except redder. Sirius is going as – I shudder at the thought – a werewolf. Of course, he doesn't _actually _look like a werewolf… otherwise he'd be dressing up as me. No, he's wearing normal clothes, with bits of grey fur sticking out of places, and false fangs on. I don't know how he thinks that is a werewolf, but that is what he is wearing.

Now they are trying to convince me to come out. I don't think anything they could possibly do or say could make me spend the night at a party with a bunch of badly dressed prats (i.e., them).

"You're not trying to be a hermit again, are you?" James asked.

"Come on out, Rem. We can wear matching false ears!" Sirius dangled them over the edge of my bed. Good grief. Now he thinks I'm a cat. Yay.

"I'm not coming to the stupid party, and they're nothing you can say to make me change my mind." I told them forcefully.

**Ten Minutes later (ish)  
**At the stupid party. They did that whole getting-quiet-and-making-me-feel-guilty business again. Of course, they wouldn't let me go to the party without dressing up. So I'm a 'goth.' I'm wearing all black muggle clothes, thick black eyeliner, black nail polish, and black lipstick.

Now that I think about it, I should really ask Sirius why he has all this makeup stuff. Veeerrrryyy suspicious.

Haha, James is making a prat out of himself. Lily is dressed up as an angel (i.e., wearing wings and all white).

"We're both wearing wings? See? That means we're destined to be together." James said in an all-knowing tone and Lily just rolled her eyes and left.

Peter is lumbering around in his giant M&M costume, breaking things. I think he thinks he's dancing.

Sirius is following James around, and from time to time bringing me snacks and trying to make me socialize.

Jenni and Louise came over to hang out with me. They were with Lily, but James is annoying the daylights out of her, and that makes her a very irritable person to be around. Plus, if they're standing with me, Peter won't try to dance with them, a.k.a. trample them. Jenni was dressed as a muggle ("If they can dress up as witches, why can't we dress up as muggles?") and Louise was a fairy.

"You look cool in that," Jenni told me. But we all know that more often then not, she is insane.

"No I don't." I informed her. Best to get the truth into her now, I say.

Then, instead of a reply, Jenni poked me. SHE POKED ME. It was a disturbing experience and I have been shaken to the core. Then, Louise giggled, and poked me.

THEY WERE BOTH POKING ME.

Oh Lordy.

They kept poking me until I thought my brain would implode, and thankfully, I had to go save Peter from an angry fifth year he tried to trample. After that, I dashed up to the dorm where I am currently hiding under my covers.

**Sunday, November 2nd  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Quidditch match today, Ravenclaw versus Slytherin. James is even less normal than usual, as he LOVES Quidditch and is all hyped up for the match. Sirius is glad that something exciting is happening that does not involve a detention. Peter is squeakier than usual, but I have no idea what that means.

I told Sirius and James that they would have to drag me by my ears to get me to go to the Quidditch match. Unfortunately they actually grabbed my ears and started pulling. So now I'm at a Quidditch match, wedged between Hyper and Loser (Sirius and Peter) plus my ears really hurt.

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**A/N: **Yay! That's it for my uber-short chapter of DHOOM. I would just like to say, this chapter is dedicated to The Phobia, who I spotted at Swiss Chalet a couple of nights ago, and then for some reason that got te banana phone song stuck in my head. Not that that really has anything to do with anything, but it's a fact.

Toodle pip!  
Mandarb xxx


	7. For the lack of a chapter name

**A/N:** Ahahahaha! Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is basically the best book I've ever read. I love it. If you haven't read it yet, shame on you, and we're going to send bomber chickens to your house. I already finished reading it, so yes, I do expect you to be reading this, and i'm not making exceptions for people who are off being slow readers. In celebration of the fact that Half Blood Prince was basically the best book I've ever read, i drew a picture for you! Unfortunatly, mum is at work, so I can't scan it in. But it will be making it's appearence in the next chapter. And you will love it, because I am gifted in the ways of both writing AND drawing (+snort+ yeah right).

I would also like to point out that, not only am I utter crap at writing action, but Violent!Remus seems so ludicrously out of character that it's basically impossible to do. That is why the 'fight' scene at the end of this chapter is so incredibly cheesed-up.

Now to the part that is strictly for people cool enough to review. (Remember kids: if you don't review, ...er...I can't remember... we kill you! Or something...)

Duckie Writes: Thank you for the review! ...I've never heard anyone say 'coolziful' before, but I like it. That is a coolziful word.

CarnivalGirl: I have no idea why he's afraid of being poked. I guess it's just a weird personality quirk. Or something. Eh, I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Morei Sky: Muahwar, and so I have draw you one. But my mum is at work, so I can't scan it in ( But I will scan it in as soon as possible.  
I had the most fun I could possibly have had at my dads, mostly writing this chapter and doing some hardcore HP reading. I didn't actually plan on getting HBP, I was thinking that I would probably borrow it from someone... but I went to Chapters with my friend (so she could get hers) and I was like, "Holy crap! It's half the price I expected it to be!" and my dad (who was there for some reason) said "Well, do you want to buy it?" And I obviously said, "Hell yes!" (well not actually, but you get the point) and then he was like, "Okay, here, have large amounts of money to buy your book with." Oo and that's my story.

sari5156: That song is reeeeaaaaallllllyyyyy annoying.

Sapphire Dragons: Aww, thank you! I feel so loved. Are they STILL making Digimon? I thought that ended a loooong time ago...

s. m. rahl: I suppose that reason would be the new book? Or would it be about the guy who lost his bird and was on the news? Well, I didn't actually expect to be getting the book, but I did (you can see full story(or my summary, anyway) in my reply to Morei Sky's review... I don't feel like typing that again)(Well, I suppose I could copy and paste... shutup.)

Zaurak: Aww, I feel so loved. Thank you for the review, i hope you like this chapter!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own any Harry Potter characters, however cool they may be. I don't own 'Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging.' I don't own the song 'Yellow Submarine.' I don't own a whole lot in this story, except Louise and Jenni. I also forgot to disclaim the dress incident last chapter. I borrowed that from my good pallys at the awesomeo role play site I am a part of (groups dot msn dot com slash theamericanacademyofmagicrpg). Unfortunately, my character (Noah) is a bit uninteresting and unactive, so I have to pull up my pants and get roleplaying. I've been a bit of a Slack Alice on the roleplaying front lately.

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**Monday, November 3rd  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Ravenclaw won. Yip yay cheery-o and all that jazz. I don't really care that much about Quidditch, but it's put Sirius and James in a mood to leave me alone. Unfortunately, Peter is still here, squeaking incessantly. I'll have to confuse him so that he goes away, because that squeaking is bloody annoying.

"Can you stop squeaking?" I asked, getting annoyed.

"What?" He asked blankly.

"You're always squeaking. You don't laugh, or cry, or scream, it's always just a squeak." I said in an all-wisdomosity tone. "We, that is James, Sirius and I, can never tell what sort of emotion you are showing, because it's always a squeak." Peter is definitely getting confused by now.

"So… what do you suppose I do?" He squeaked.

"Well... you could start by developing a laugh." I said, tapping my quill, pretending to be thoughtful.

"Oh… alright, I'll be down in the common room, then." Crikey. It worked.

Now… what was it that I wanted him to go away for again? Oh yeah, I need to spend some quality time searching for a nail polish removal charm.

**7 (ish)  
**I went down into the common room, only to hear the most terrifying noise. It was like a mad Santa and a pig combined.

"Hohohoggygoggyho." I was quite startled for a moment until I realized that it was Peter laughing.

"Er, it's alright, you can squeak if you want to." I told him, of course actually meaning 'NEVER MAKE THAT SOUND EVER AGAIN.'

I'm going to go hide in the library and do my homework, and hope that when I've finished, my friends are sane.

**Wednesday November 5th  
Lunch break  
Dear G II  
**Good grief, it's freezing out here today! It's only the beginning of November, and it's like Greenland here. Well, apart from the ice floes and Eskimos and polar bears. Still, it is Antarctic weather out here, and yet we are still forced to go outside. Sirius is doing his best to keep us all warm, but he's running out of things to set on fire.

"Can't McGonagall let us sit in the library or something?" Peter shivered. It MUST be cold, for him to feel it through all that blubber.

James snorted. "Yeah, right. McGonagall will do anything to make us unhappy. No exceptions. Ever."

"What about Dumbledore? Can't he do something about it?" Pete whined.

"No, he's too busy fighting evil wizards and stuff." Sirius said, lighting a branch on fire for us to warm our hands on.

"Don't be stupid. The last evil wizard Dumbledore fought was defeated in 1945." The others looked at me with a "You've been paying attention in history again, haven't you?" look. I gave them my best "Chocolate frog cards, actually" look.

It's funny; we don't even have to talk anymore.

**Wednesday, November 9th  
After class  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Lalalalala. Hahahaha. Sun shining, bird tweeting, voles voleing, cats cating. Me and my mates out by the lake, skipping stones. By skipping stones I definitely mean throwing rocks at the squid but who cares? Not I, for today I am happy.

Though it may be raining and we are all freezing our arses off, today is a joyous day, for today, McGonagall came round with the sign-up to stay at Hogwarts this Christmas. Why, you ask, is this so particularly fabulous?

Because I get to GO HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!

Lalalalalala. Finally, a break from unnatural torture a.k.a. school! On the downside, I have to wait a month and a half, but who cares? Hahahahaha. Two whole James and Sirius free weeks! Can you imagine? I'll be able to do things I cannot normally do... like sleep!

Alright, I'm nearly finished being ludicrously happy now. But as you can imagine, this WOULD be the sort of thing to make someone ludicrously happy, especially after you get woken up by complete nutters (James and Sirius) one random morning by being stuffed into a burlap sack. Alas, I am happy like two happy things.

**Friday, November 10th  
Lunch  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**I have decided to become an optimist. That means I look at the bright side of things, and therefore am always happy. I'll start as soon as I find anything wrong with my life.

**After Class... 5(ish)  
**Well, I have a ridiculous amount of homework... but if I do it all, I will be really smart and will have a giant brain that can rule the world. Okay, now I've just creeped myself out, rather than make myself happy.

Threw a darting glance at the calendar. The full moon is approaching, and frighteningly quickly too. And everyone knows what that means.

On the bright side... who am I kidding, there's no bright side to being a werewolf.

**Later  
**Well, I suppose I could always eat the people who irritate me (i.e., Peter). See? Bright side to everything. Cheery cheery.

**Saturday, November 11th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**The sun is giving the illusion of warmth. It's shining like a great big fried egg in the sky. Well, that's what Sirius said; but we all know he's not entirely sane at the best of times. I really don't know what the sun and a fried egg have to do with each other in the slightest.

Actually, it's very nippy noodles outside today, so the Marauders are barricading themselves in the Gryffindor Tower. Which generally speaking, means we'll be out and about an everywhere before the day is done.

Heck, we might even pop into Honeydukes for a quick robbery, which I know James and Sirius have been doing that lately. They've been constantly eating sweets.

On the bright side, Sirius brought me an oversized box of chocolate frogs, which has made me a happy camper for the past while.

Holly is acting very strange lately. She's been yowling a lot - more than usual - fighting with Nightwish (and what's weirder, winning) and sleeping on my bed a lot more.

On the bright side, she's taken most of the Gryffindor's attention away from Nighwish, who sat in my oatmeal this morning and has been showing it off by sitting on peoples things.

Well, today was very BORING but I thought you might like an entry because yesterday was BORING as well, and I haven't written a whole lot lately because it's all been BORING. So I'm just sitting here being BORED, because everything is so BORING. I might have to become a Peter for a while (i.e., follow James and Sirius around) until something less BORING happens. Aka anything.

Hm, I like that. A Peter. I'm going to make it it's own word... a Peter. Definition? A Peter: a person who follows people much cooler than them around all the time until either they grow so accustomed to their presence that they don't care, or they kill them.

Yes, that's a decent definition.

Or am I being cruel?

No, I am being accurate. And factual.

I'll toss the idea at James. Of course, that means that we'll be charming the dictionaries to show 'Peter' before the day is through, but that is the price of being brilliant. In case you were wondering, no, I have no idea what in the name of Dumbledore's ginormous beard I'm talking about.

**Later  
**Good grief it's boring being bored. I've been lying in bed for so long I might've died and not noticed, like Binns. I should get a jump on my homework.

**Later  
**Already finished reading the entire Standard Book of Spells: Year One twice. Might have to bum the Second Year book off some second year. Might want to know why I want it, though... might think I'm weird for wanting to read it.

Right-o, then. I'll just have to go be a Peter for a while.

**Later... 11 (ish) aka in bed  
**I was being a Peter all day... but James and Sirius didn't even notice. Not that they didn't notice that I was THERE, but they just thought I was being a Remus. Obviously they thought wrong, because I am not annoying enough to be a Peter. Or boring enough.

Wait, but am I boring enough? I was being bored for a large amount of the day, so I might be boring enough. Oh Merlin. I am a very boring person. I will have to inject some excitement into my life. I'll start tomorrow. Skydiving at dawn.

**Monday, November 12th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Woke up too late to go skydiving. Good thing, too; I probably would have died. But now I am happily alive and still feeling the aftershock of excitement that almost happened. Phew. Back to boring ol' Rem for me. Not that I'm old. In fact, I'm quite young. Only eleven.

Eugh, now I feel old.

No! I'm too young to be old!

Oh dear. I'm creeping myself out again.

**Tuesday, November 13th  
Dear G II  
**Brrr. Freezing AGAIN today. I haven't even seen Filch poking about trying to get us in trouble, and he is half man, half walrus. What does Filch do, anyway? I mean, other than frighten the daylights out of students.

"I think he is supposed to be the janitor," Sirius said. He was sitting against the tree by the lake (the one the Marauders have claimed as our own) with an open textbook, James's glasses on, and was sucking on a sugar quill. I think he thought he looked 'wise' or 'thoughtful' or something. Truthfully, he looked a bit like Nightwish.

I don't think he can see anything with those glasses on, though. They're too strong. Which would be why he was just sitting with the textbook on his lap, rather than actually reading it. James can't see anything without his glasses on, anyway. So he's pretending to be blind, using Peter as his guide dog.

So we were sitting there, minding our own business, when Louise and Jenni walk by. Normally this is a normal thing, but... they POKED me as they passed! And then they scampered off, giggling like two giggling things.

Sirius looked at me strangely. I do mean that in both meanings of the phrase. He looked at me like I was strange, plus he looked very strange himself, with his eyes all bugged-out from the glasses, and red face from the cold. I would have started laughing right then and there, but I think my throat was frozen from the cold. But I did end up shaking a bit without making any sound... ie, silent laughing. Unfortunatly, Peter thought I was choking and hit my back really hard.

Honestly, what planet do these people come from? Why isn't it farther away?

**Wednesday, November 14th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Doing homework in the library with Sirius and James. Actually, they went off a while ago to find some textbook. Probably to the Witch Weekly section again.

I'm trying to do my homework, but I'm too distracted. Full moon tomorrow. Poo, poo and thrice crap. I really hate this time of the month.

But that is not the only thing distracting me from my homework, no. There is the small matter of a group of Slytherins hanging around not too far away (intentions unknown), plus Peter is tramping about looking for the Loons of this World and Beyond (James and Sirius).

Oh, now I know the group of Slytherins's intentions. They're going to terrorize Peter. Feh. This must be they're weird way of getting back at Sirius and James for the whole sitting-on-Snape-and-taking-pictures incident. I don't know why, we don't really give two hoots what happens to Peter. Uh-oh, Snapey's got his wand out, I might want to go save Pete before I'm sending him to the Hospital Wing in a matchbox.

**Later  
**Phew, Snape really does have the biggest conk known to mankind. I'm lucky to have escaped without being nose-ified. No, I don't have any idea what I'm talking about.

I went over to where the Slytherins had Peter backed against the bookcase, squeaking frightfully. (At least I think it was frightfully. You can never really tell with him. I sure hoped it was frightfully, because I was about to save his arse.) I don't know what Snape was saying to him, but Peter looked like he was about to cry (which would have been awful) or wet himself (which would have been twice as awful).

"Now Snape, that's no way to go about making friends." I said, diverting the attention from Peter momentarily. I know my insult was stupid., but it actually seemed to hit Sir Hair-So-Greasy where it hurt, judging by his expression. Probably because his only 'friends' were that pointy third year Malfoy (I swear, it looks like someone stuck his chin in a pencil sharpener) and Malfoy's two cronies, built like wood blocks and probably just about as smart.

"Lupin," Snape spat in a weird hissy tone.

"Yes, that's me." I replied calmly. Nobody seemed to know what to do next. Snape looked at me blankly, Malfoy took a sudden interest in his nails, Peter looked quickly from me to Snape and back again, and one of the wooden blocks guffawed for a moment, before the other one elbowed him and they snarled at me. I thought this was very amusing, so i decided to continue on my quest to ultimately confuse and annoy them beyond the point of brain implosion. "Tuesday's coming... did you bring your coat?"

Malfoy rolled his eyes, as if he was getting bored. He snapped his fingers, and his goons sniggered, cracked their knuckles, and lumbered towards me. Not wanting to find out if those two were as strong as they looked, I pulled out my wand and calmly stuck them in a pair of leg-locker curses.

It was quite funny, two see those two flopping around like fish. I could have watched them all day, if there wasn't the small matter of Peter to save. So I 'Wingardium Leviosa'ed the bigger of the two fish fellows over and landed him on Snape.

So I strolled off, whistling, with Peter at my heels.

As we strolled off casually, I heard Malfoy tell Snape, "That was pitiful, Severus."

Hahahahahaha. The only down side is that now Peter is basically worshipping me. Basically, he's being a Peter.

Oh, and plus the Slytherins are probably going to kill me next time I venture off on my own.


	8. Revenge of the Slytherins

**A/N: **Gah, another overly-short chapter. I'm sorry, I'm facing a bit of a writers block, but I'm doing my best. And all you people who are complaining about how I leave overly-long authors notes, (I know you all do it mentally) please don't. I mean, this is the place where I get to rant on and on about my boring life even though I'm sure you don't care. Everythign else that is in this chapter is just side-splittingly hilarious adventures about everyone's favourite werewolf... and really, who cares about THAT?

Success! I have my picture of Remus as a goth now! Not that it actually looks lik Remus at all! Unfortunately, I am not smart enough to put it on here, so i will have to re direct you to a different site for this. http / www . piczo . com / idreamofmicrowaves?g 13690963 Muahwar. I am also looking for something to draw for the celebration of 100 reviews (which should be coming up soon, I already have 91) but I have no idea what to draw. So tell me what I should draw! I am only here to please you.

Now comes the part for people who are cool enough to review, and no one else. So go away, you uncool non-reviewer!

s. m. rahl: ahaha,I stole your name :p

Zaurak: Thanks for the review!

Morei Sky: Probably because he is a woman in disguse. that's my theory, anyway.

animefreak123: Yes, I wrote quite a bit more. I suppose the site you tried to say was 'harrypotter fanfiction . com'? (It disappeared in the review.) I'm glad I make you laugh. Hopefully you weren't laughing at how hideouslyterrible my writing style is. Because then I would have to kill you. And no one wants that.

captivatedrose: Thankyou for the review!

TonkIsMyHero: Let's be glad you read stupid-looking stories then, eh? ;)

LunaDea: oO you went and reviewed every chapter! Wow! Thank you so much for your praise and patience to think up soemthing different to say every time. It's people like you who make me keep writing. Actually, it's people like you who fill up my emails with review alerts. Same thing, if you think about it, really.

Strawberry Pancakes: Whoops, did I do that? ...I can't count to save my life. Or look at a calender to save my life, either.

rubberduckysrfun: Yes, I'm probably going to have to mention someone over hearing him say something about 'that time of the month,' misinterpreate, and have everyone think he is actually a woman in disguse.

alex: Most of my ideas come from observing my little brother and his gross little friends, actually. Well, my ideas for Peter, anyway. I don't really know where I get the rest of it. Thanks for the review!

RenegadeChicklet: Hm, I have a couple of useful accosiates who I could persuade (ie, blackmail) to write a Maurader Skydiving expedition. Actually, chances are someone's already written one, somewhere. You never know, with these fanfiction writer types.

Kittengrl39: Oo I'm sorry, it appears I've killed her brain. Not purposely, of course... (insert evil cackling here) erm, anyway... You reviewed every chapter! I love it when people do that! It makes me so happy :) or maybe that's the pixie sticks...  
Don't worry, Remus will probably end up gay. But not for a couple years yet, if anyhing. If I made anything happen, people would point at me and yell 'pedofile!' and other mean words for making terrible things happen to 11 year olds.

Queen Red Rum: I'm sure you would make a better Tonks then Tonks does. She's a very bad Tonks. I didn't go to extreme measures like throwing the book in a lake (didn't want to kill the book), but I did eat every page that mentioned Tonks on it. Not very tasty, but effective nonetheless.  
I also have followers, they are peters, unfortunately, and I can't kill them because they are small children. But thank goodness it's summer hols and I can hid ein my basement so they can't find me.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter, not that I ever claimed to. I don't own any Harry Potter characters. No money is being made off this, so no profit would be made off sueing my. Not that there would be anyway, because I have no money. Actually, I have some play money, but it's covered in playdo, so I'm sure you really don't want it.

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**Friday, November 16th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Ugh, I'm so tired I can barely hold my head up in class. Mind you, it's History of Magic, so I'm not the only one. One of the Huffflepuff girls is actually painting her toenails. You'd think Binns would notice that she's got her head under the table, but he doesn't. He just keeps droning on and on.

Snape and his gang have yet to kill me, though, with my luck, they'll strike today. The day after the full moon. When I'm too sore and tired to do anything at all. I might as well make a will.

Stuff to give to people:

Er... I don't really have anything, do I?

Oh well... just give all my stuff to James and Sirius. None to Peter though, because it was his life that I foolishly died saving. Or ensured my death, anyway. I think I am going to try to get some sleep, or at least rest, because I am completely exhausted. I have no idea what Wolfy Rem did last night, but it was certainly not sleep.

**7 (ish)  
**I was leaving the library, finally finished my essay for potions, when who should I wander into? Snape, that's who. And what a brilliant time it was for him to show up, with my arms full of textbooks and parchment, wand tucked into my robes, far out of reach.

He sneered at me, waved his wand and muttered some spell. With a satisfied smirk, he disappeared down the hall. After checking to make sure he hadn't cursed my nose off, (he hadn't, by the way) I resumed my way to the Gryffindor tower.

I hadn't taken as much as five steps when two statues began to move their way into my path. One crossed his arms and looked down at me with a very Snape-like smirk. Unfortunately, they weren't there just to stand. I have no idea how Snape managed to charm two statues to beat me up, but he did.

Actually, it wasn't as bad as I imagine you might imagine. The statues didn't punch, for one thing. They did a lot of shoving, really. Not even that violent of shoving. Just like, nice shoving. Plus the occasional pinch.

The statues abandoned their task of trying to beat me up when some third year Ravenclaw came down the corridor. She just looked at me funny, sitting in the middle of the hall, books and parchment and other such homework tools lying all around me. I just gathered my stuff and rushed back to the Gryffindor Tower, cutting a wide way around statues from that point on.

**later  
**James and Peter keep coming in, looking at me and frowning, or shaking their heads. Sirius keeps coming in and poking me in various spots on my face. I guess I'd better have a look at myself; I must have a bruise or something...

**later  
**It looks like I've been savaged by wild animals! I've got bruises and cuts all over myself!

**later  
**Mind you, I can't really feel any of it.

**later  
**I wonder if years of savaging myself at the full moon have made me immune to pain?

**later  
**Made Sirius fix my face.

"But it makes you look tough!" Sirius whined (jokingly) (I think). I gave him a Very Bad Look, and he shut up and performed a healing spell that I didn't know he knew.

**Saturday November 17th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Sirius and James have decided on some thingy they want to do. They filled me in on their plan, but I wasn't really paying attention. I think they're going to blow up a toilet or something.

Plus, they have decided that it is not a smart idea to leave me wandering the hallways alone, so they're dragging me along with them.

I wish I had made friends with completely normal people. Then, rather than blow up toilets, we could do completely normal things like... er... sit around and play poker. Actually, I have no idea what normal people do, because I, unfortunately, am never in company of a normal person.

So now I'm standing in the loo by the Great Hall, waiting for James, Sirius and Peter to decide on which toilet to blow up.

**Later  
**Bloody hell! The toilet exploding was the loudest thing i gave EVER heard! It echoed through the great hall, and shook the entire floor! McGonagall and Filch looked like they were about to explode. Dumbledore also turned up, but he just laughed and started rambling on something about bagpipes.

McGonagall seemed to be inflating a bit, trying to contain her homicidal feelings towards us. (Yes, Us, because I was there, and am therefore getting blamed for it. So unfair.) She was also turning very red. Dumbledore left to calm large amounts of the student body down (almost everyone heard the blast) and left the three of us to feel the wraith of Filch and McGonagall on our own.

We got a thorough yelling at (mostly just me an Peter; they seem to have caught on to the fact that yelling at Sirius and James is mostly pointless) and now we've got detention until Christmas.

Oh well; it could be worse, I suppose. Me, James and Peter only have to scrub armor and trophies and other such things that one would scrub; Sirius has to clean out bedpans in the Hospital Wing (Note to Self: Next time, stop Sirius from calling McGonagall 'Mickey' when she is at the height of anger)

**Sunday, November 18th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Ugh. I'm still angry about last night. And, additionally, the first thing I found in the morning was Peter's dirty poo-explosion on the floor.

You have no idea what it's like here! If me, and the House Elves, didn't keep this place clean, they would just let the junk pile up and pile up… it's like living in a bloody garbage can.

(I wonder what made the garbage can bloody?

Haha, I am at the height of anger, and I still can laugh at a good joke. Or a really cheesy one. Whatever.)

It was the final straw. Actually, it was the first straw of the day, but I was really angry. I picked up Peter's nappy, dropped it on Sirius's lap (as everyone else was already up and about) and stalked off to the bathroom to sterilize and possibly amputate the place where I touched the diaper.

Sirius yelped and shot out of bed. He obviously had mistaken me for someone who cared, because he called after me, "What am I supposed to do with it?"

I wasn't thinking clearly, in my so-angry-on-the-point-of-brain-implosion state of mind. So I just yelled back, "I don't know, give it to Snape or something!"

**Later  
**I walked up to Peter in the (strangely quiet for the amount of people that were in there) common room. I had calmed down considerably. I said to him, in a perfectly clam voice, with a perfectly straight face,

"Peter, I would appreciate it if you would keep your poo explosions off the dorm room floor." And I walked off, satisfied by the terrified look on Peter's face, and the large amounts of snickering from older students in the common room as I went out the portrait hole.

**Dinner  
**Snape looked quite foul at dinner when his plate filled, instead of with food, with Peter's poo explosion nappy.

Ha. That's what he gets.

**Tuesday, November 20th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Snape tackled Sirius in potions today. Just out of the blue, in the middle of class. They were fighting quite violently. I don't think Professor Bellamy even noticed. Even thought there was a good amount of cheering going on, and two of his students left class looking like they were trampled by a herd of Hippogriffs angry about the rights of Gillyweed.

I am proud to say that Sirius and James won the fight. Yes, James also jumped in once he saw his partner in crime was in danger. Or he just wanted to beat up Snape, which is totally acceptable. The two of them also managed to steal a lock of Snape's hair, which they are trying to exorcize using garlic and a couple of crucifixes. I have forbidden the thing to come into the dorm, so they are keeping it in a plastic case in the common room.


	9. The Chapter you thought would never come

**A/N: **:O It's a CHAPTER! The last thing you'd expect in a story from me. Ehh, whatever. It's a Shorty McShrikeedink chapter, though, but i did try hard on it. I have gotten over my temporary writer's block, for now. I swear, this has got to be the longest plottless story ever...

Sawa: no it isn't... remember Grapefruit Escaped the Dentist?

Mandarb: that had a plot! ...wait, no it didn't... how the HECK did it get so long? Wtf?

Anyway, I'm much to lazy to write out a thingy to each and every person who reviewed, but I love you all, I really do. So here's all I have to say: Merry Christmas to All, and to All, a goodnight!**

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**Saturday, November 30th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Holly is a very strange cat. She has this thing about lying in the place that will obstruct the most human traffic, like at the portrait hole, or at the door to our dormitory. But today, she was being particularly troublesome. Holly was lying in the bathroom, just a little past the door, so you couldn't close the door.

I tried to move her. I tried pushing her with my foot, but she didn't notice. I tried lifting her up, but good lord, she's gotten fat. I couldn't even lift her – and I'm not _that _weak.

I resorted to slamming the door on her repeatedly, but she just started purring loudly. I glared at her, and she gave a content look, where she squints her eyes, and turns her ears around, and looked a bit like Satan.

Needless to say, I had to go to a different bathroom.

**Sunday, December 1st  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**I must say, the 'Happy December' party was the best party we've had yet. Everyone walked around in Santa hats or antlers – or in Peter's case, both.

Plus James was being an idiot, and that's always fun.

He was trying to get me to talk to Lily for him. It's the most coherent thing he's ever done while in her midst. Normally he just stares at her, dazed.

Eventually, he got me to go talk to her for him, but mostly because Sirius, James and Peter were all shoving me in that direction. So I had no choice, since I nearly slammed into her.

"Hullo, Lily," I greeted her.

"Hi, Remus!" She, Louise and Jenni chorused brightly. I winced.

"Well, er, you see, er, my friend over there, James," I started. We looked over, and he was gazing at Lily, mouth hanging open, drooling slightly.

"Yes, what about him?" Lily said in an irritable voice. She didn't like talking about James, or being near him, or him existing at all, really.

"Well, you see, he's got a bit of a problem-" I continued.

"What would that be? Immense stupidity?" Lily suggested with a snort.

"Probably." Jenni snickered. "But he wanted me to talk to you for him."

"Talk about what?"

"Erhm… I don't know, actually."

"Well, you've talked to me now. Run along." I shrugged and left.

"What did she say?" Sirius asked, obviously taking up his position as James' Spokesperson, because right now you could probably find a more intelligent potato.

"She said… that he was immensely stupid."

"…You'd think she'd tell us something we didn't already know."

**Wednesday, December 4th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**It's very late. Everyone else is asleep. I'm sitting on the windowsill, the moonlight being my only light. Oh, my poetic soul. Well, it would be poetic, if Peter wasn't snoring so tremendously loudly. It's snowing. I have no idea why I'm not freezing my arse off, but it's actually very warm, even though the window is wide open. Freaky.

I would be joining my fellow Marauders in sleep, but that wretched hellcat is on my bed again. I tried beating her off with my potions text, but that just made her purr almost as loud as Pete's snoring. The cat is out to bloody to get me. She spends more time in our dorm annoying me then she does with Lily! Lily says that the devil-spawn loves me. Well, just wait till next full moon… I'll eat her! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (evil gasp) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (evil cough) HAHA… okay I give up.

**Friday, December 6th  
Dear Galaderwalder… I can't be bothered to write the rest of your name.  
**In the Library, doing homework, and guess who's sitting at the table next to us? The wonder twins, that's who. I have no idea why I just called them the wonder twins; they are obviously not twins, not wondrous. But I really mean Snape, Malfoy, Dumb and Dumber. Yes, I'm quite aware I just referred to four people as 'twins', but the truth is, Crabbe and Goyle don't really count as people, just like… dead fish or something.

Anyway, I have to get to my Charms homework now. Let's see if they try anything… they probably won't, seeming as James and Sirius are here, and Snape seems to be terrified of them. I should ask them what they did to him; quite useful.

**Later  
**I swear those two (four, whatever, get over it) are out to get us. Well, we know they've been out to get us since halfway through the first week, but that's not the point. The point is that they are obviously plotting against us right now.

But then again, they could be discussing homework or something… Who knows?

One thing I have noticed, though, is that Snape keeps looking over at me.

So, either they _are_ talking about me, or Snape's gay.

It could happen.

But, on the other hand, why would he fancy me?

No, they are definitely plotting something.

And it's not how to win my affections.

Ooh! I'm all paranoid now!

**Later  
**Upon finishing homework, we quickly retracted to our dormitory to discuss the possibility of Snape swinging both ways.

We had come to the conclusion that Malfoy, at least, is gay, and has multiple boyfriends, ("I mean, all Crabbe and Goyle do is grunt. He certainly not with them for the conversation," James pointed out) and that he has a crush on little Snapey, and that's why they stick around each other so much, when we suddenly noticed James went all slack-jawed and stupid.

We all looked up to see Lily and her insane groupies, Jenni and Louise, making their way, skipping and giggling over to us.

Why do they giggle so much, really? They might look half-human if they stopped giggling, but no, they try to distort their faces as much as possible. Jenni in particular. One of her eyes gets really small, and the otherone widens and kind of rolls back into her head, and she hunches over, and twisted her hands together. She looks like Egor.

So, by the time they got over, everyone was shuddering and doing their best not to look at Jenni, except James.

"Hiya Remus!" Lily said, and poked me in the arm with a wink.

"Hullo, Lily."

"Whatcha doing, Remus?" Poke.

"Homework."

"What kind of homework, Remus?" Poke poke.

"Charms."

"Say, Remus?" Poke.

"Yes, Lily?"

"Where are the kitchens, Remus?" Poke poke.

"Don't tell them, Rem!" Sirius said, giving Jenni the evil eye as she began to froth at the mouth. It was easy enough to not tell her; I didn't even know, in truth.

"I don't know."

"Come on, Remus!" Poke.

"I don't know!"

"Where are the kitchens, Remus?" Poke poke.

"I don't know!"

Suddenly, Sirius jumped up and ran at them, causing them to shriek and scatter. James seemed to snap out of his daze to glare at Sirius. "What did you do that for?"

"They were poking Rem!" Peter whined. I must remember to thank him for that. Maybe I should buy him some chocolates. Then, hopefully, he will become too large for the floor to support him, and will fall down into the dungeons, and we will never have to see him again, except when we are passing him on the way to potions.

"So? It was LILY!"

"…His eye was beginning to twitch." Sirius put in, and he and Peter nodded wisely. Not that it actually looked wise. They looked like those bobble-head dogs that people put on their dashboards. Bobble-head dogs in frocks. Not that they were wearing frocks, but the foolish robes those sadists we call Professors make us wear looked enough like them, comparatively.

That's right. I said foolish. MWAR. GET OVER IT.

**Sunday, December 8th  
Dear Wotsit  
**James 'found' a diviniation book in the ballroom, meaning of course that he nicked it from Malfoy's bag, proceeded to douse the rest of his books in red in, and skipped off, cackling manically and clicking his heels.

We were having a flick through it because, well, there's no denying that Divination is both hilariously ridiculous and ridiculously hilarious (there's a difference…Sort of).

So, as we were looking through it we found this astronomy… or is it astrology…?

Whatever, it was this horoscope-ey type thing. I forget how it works but the point is it gave us clues to our destiny. Sirius says they're just a list of characteristics and stuff like that, but of course, I know better. I mean, what kind of characteristic is 'drive'?

Anyway, my destiny includes the following words:

ENTERPRISE

DRIVE

DOMINATION

That's all I can remember anyway, I'm too lazy to look it up again. So, naturally, my destiny is this:

To DRIVE the starship ENTERPRISE in order to achieve world DOMINATION.

It's a foolproof plan really. Except I can't really figure out how it works… But, hey, a guy with a spaceship has got to be pretty intimidating. I'll have conquered the world in no time.

Muahahahahahaha!

**Thursday, December 12th  
Dear G II  
**Woot woot, full moon tonight, nothing actually interesting. Unfortunately, that has been the epitome of interesting that has been my week. Perhaps something interesting will happen tomorrow.

**Friday, December 13th  
Dear G II  
**In a boredom – induced state, Sirius and I made up a dance we like to call, "The Dead Fish."

I guess I was wrong about my prediction of interesting stuff. That's it; I'm never taking Divination, ever.

I'll drop it and take Modern Wizard Fashion or whatever there is to take instead. Well, some seventh year I was talking to told me there was 'Modern Wizard Fashion' as an option. But then, he also told me that he was taking Sexual Behavior of Magical Creatures as well, so you never know. He could just be on drugs.


	10. Age 11, Mother of 6

**A/N: **Woohoo! A kindasortalonginshness chapter! Well, it's longer than most of my recent chapters have been... yeah, i knwo the ending is really bad, but i was just trying to introduce my character. Get over it. My internet's been out a lot lately. It is very very sad :'( But have gone through and completely Draco-themed my computer... twice. Ah, the wonders of a internet-deprived mind. Hmm, Draco, my newfound character obsession. Yayness.

I think that in a couple of chapters, I'm going to start the next story type thing... not actuallya different story, it just THINKS it's a different story... does that make sense? Like,OTBS I'm now the Girlfriend of a Sex God was a continuation of Angus Thongs + FFS. I might have to start my OTBS soon. Type thing. Because this one is getting long and icky and annoying.

I'd respond to all my reviews, but I'm much too lazy for the moment, I only really feel like responding to one.

Morei Sky: :OYou remembered my story! That's incredibible! I feel so loved.  
I know Lucius is not gay, that's just what they think... I mean, if you didn't knwo, you might assume... the man is like an evil Legolas! Except you wouldn't catch him for love nor money running through the woods with a bow. But you might catch him in tights. No worries though, I will clear that up in the next chapter. Not thi one, the next one.I have a plan. And that is weird.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter, i don't own this story, I don't even really own anything in here that vaguely resembles a plot, because if there IS something that vaguely resembles a plot, it's just the drugs you are taking, there is no plot in this. I do own a couple of OCs. Actually, a lot of OCs, because I'm too lazy to use characters that actually exist, so I make up my own. I don't own the quote 'Who knew he'd mothered a love child?' either, that is from .hack/Legend of the Twilight thinger.**

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**Saturday, December 14th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Well, I've discovered why Holly was so fat. She was pregnant. Either that, or she is currently shatting something awful. But it looks like it's living, so I'll go with the first theory.

She's bleeding a lot. I don't think that's right. And, if it is right, I'll be very angry, because Holly decided to have her kittens on my bed. I don't know what to do, so I'm just sitting here with her. I don't want to leave to go get Lily, because then Holly will be unattended and something bad might happen. Sirius and James are at their routine detention, and Peter is wherever Peter goes when Sirius and James aren't around. Actually, they should be getting back soon. But for the moment, I have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing.

Ooh, one of the little baby kitties is fully out now. It's all covered in gunk, though. Holly doesn't look too keen on cleaning it off… I'll have to put you away, Galaderwalderwitz, I'm gonna try and help the baby.

**Later  
**Well, the other three came back. Peter walked in and fainted. Apparently he has no stomach for blood. James started freaking out, and Sirius ran to go get Lily.

The second baby isn't all the way out yet. Holly is having some serious problems… I'm scared. What if she dies? I'm really scared. But at least I'm not hysterical out like James is. I had to use a silencing spell on him because he was disturbing Holly. He's screaming and running around the room and pulled his hair so that it looks worse than it already did. Normally this would be very funny, but I'm really worried about Holly.

Now I'm really regretting slamming the door on her so many times. Mind you… she liked it. So I shouldn't be regretting it, should I?

Now Lily is here, and she's all worried because of all the blood. I have to put you away again so I can calm everyone down and figure out what we're supposed to be doing.

**Later  
**Holly had six babies before she died from blood loss. Let's have a moment of silence.

Lily got really sad when Holly died. I mean, so did I, but Lily started sobbing really loudly and buried her head in my shoulder and cried for about forever. James gave me a really sour look and, from the look of it, started swearing colourfully at me, but I just ignored him. Sirius didn't really care, because he is a horrible person capable of no feeling whatsoever (actually, he just doesn't like cats, and he really mostly hated Holly). Peter was in shock, and every time he woke up, he just took one look at the blood and passed out again. We sent Sirius to lug him off to the Hospital Wing, because Sirius wasn't being any help.

Once Lily stopped crying, she called a house-elf (I don't know how she knows how to do that… she's like a wonder-woman of the Amazon or something, really) and got it to bring a bunch of little bottles of warm milk. We had to hand feed them. Plus, they kttens seem to have chosen me as their mother, and they wouldn't eat from Lily or James' bottles, so I had to feed all of them.

It was awful, all of them crying for food at once, and I could only feed one at a time… plus, Lily started crying on me again, and James refused to help me because of it. He seems to think it's my fault that Lily thinks he's a prat and prefers to cry on me.

Luckily, Sirius came back and seemed to forget that Lily was in the room, and he started getting ready for bed. And that would include changing. Lily made a face (caught between screaming and puking) and rushed out of the room. I didn't really notice though, I was too caught up being a mother.

I have time to write now, though, because the kitties are asleep. I should get some sleep myself; I'm exhausted.

**Later  
**Oh crap. I forgot, the babies are sleeping on my bed.

**Sunday, December 15th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Woke up to the sound of babies yowling for food. I slept on the floor beside my bed; wasn't very comfortable, but I stole Sirius's comforter, so it wasn't so bad. Of course, Sirius was very cold and angry when he woke up, but I had babies, so I kicked him out of the room for being too loud.

Peter came back from the Hospital Wing. "Why do you have a bunch of rats on your bed?" He asked stupidly as he entered.

I glared at him. A very EVIL glare. "They aren't rats, they're cats." He left the room and hasn't returned all day. I don't know if that's because of my EVIL glare or because he seems to be terrified of cats.

Why is it that no one in our dorm likes cats? I mean, I don't MEAN to not like them… it's instinctive. Werewolf thing. I don't know what's wrong with Sirius. I suppose he's just a dog-lover. Peter seems to be terrified of them… that's probably Mickey's fault. James doesn't really seem to care either way, but he hangs around more than the others because Lily is going to come up to see them and wants to see her… even though I know for a fact Lily has her friends on lookout to see when James has left the room and it is safe to come up.

**Later  
**Oh crud. We're going home for the holidays on Tuesday – I'll have to take them with me!

**Later  
**I'm bored. Plus I didn't go down for breakfast, so I'm hungry. And I have no chocolate left. I'm going to have to poke into James' candy stash and see if he has anything good.

**Later  
**Skittles – bags of gay since 1903. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

**Later  
**James got very angry with me for eating his Skittles. Actually, I think he was just still angry about the Lily thing, but he was using this to get it out on me. He started yelling at me again.

I started to put a silencing charm on him again (he was waking my babies), but Sirius stopped me.

"Don't worry, I'll look after them; you go into the common room and get yelled at by James." He said, grinning manically. In retrospect, I don't know how I left the babies in there with Sirius, he could have chucked them out the window or something, but a fuming James dragged me out of the room before I could protest.

After a lengthy and tiring session of being yelled at for everything from the state of my hair (James is one to talk) to the colour of my socks in front of all the people in Gryffindor, James let me go save my children from the terrible wraith of Sirius, who had decided that they weren't interesting enough to pay attention to after discovering that they couldn't tap dance.

**Monday, December 16th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**Hahahahaha! I got out of classes on account of I'm a mother. Apparently we weren't really going to be doing a lot in class today anyway, because we're going home for the holidays tomorrow (yessssssss!). I don't know why were didn't just go home on Saturday… oh well.

It turned out very strange at lunch, when I ventured out because my babies were taking a nap. I could here people whispering, "Who knew he'd mothered a lovechild?" as I walked past. It seems Sirius and James really had told people I'm a mother. It would be funny if it were someone other than me.

James isn't speaking to me now. And since Peter does everything James does, he isn't speaking to me either. Though, the Peter bit is kind of a plus, he never really said anything worth listening to anyway. I really didn't think James would get so worked up over Lily crying on my shoulder while I was trying to feed my six children.

Hah. Remus Lupin, age 11, mother of six. I'm so proud.

**Tuesday, December 17th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**The babies were not at all content with leaving my bed behind. I had to take the bedding off my bed, put it in a basket, and put them on top. Picky, spoiled brats.

Well, now I know how Mum feels when she's around my sister and me.

James won't let me sit with the other Marauders. Of course, he would never actually _say_ that, so he and Peter are playing exploding snap, thus making it impossible for my babies to stay there.

I was looking for Lily's compartment, as she is their sort-of Grandmother. It was very embarrassing, every compartment I passed asked why I was carrying a basket. So my kittens are getting a lot of attention, because everyone is petting them. Or commenting that they look like rats. Which they kind of do, but I will never admit. I am a _nice_ mum.

**Later  
**I was sitting in the compartment with Lily, Jenni and Louise (who were too busy playing with my children to poke me, thank God) when Jenni suddenly said, "They're so cute! What are their names?"

I did a mental jaw-drop. What kind of a mother am I? I didn't even name my children! Now I feel awful and incompetent.

Anyway, the nub and thrust of this entry is to tell you that I have now named each of my six children.

I call the white boy Otto Von Klawshauser, the grey tabby girl is Jimmi, and Baltimora is the multicolour patchy one. I began to run out of good cat names (I mean, you can't just name a cat 'Bob'… though I who would name their children 'Bob'! Not I.), so I just named the pair of black boys Sirius Jr. and James Jr. The last one, I let Jenni and Louise name, because I didn't want a Peter Jr., especially since it was a girl. The two ended up naming her Hermione(1), I don't know why, it's a terribly hideous name and I really regret letting them name her. I should've just named her Ginger or something (she's orange).

With cat colours like that, you'd wonder what colour the father was… some sort of amazing rainbow-cat.

**Later  
**When we finally got to the train station, everyone rushed out to get their parents and get home. The platform was drowning in people. I looked out he window, and my parents were right in clear view. I guess everyone was cutting them a wide berth. Good grief, I had forgotten how hideously ugly my parents are. I really didn't want to be seen with them. So I stayed on the train and waited for people to filter off the platform.

Plus, the kittens were hungry and moving around and if I went out when they were awake then one might fall out of the basket and someone might step on it and –gag- oh God, I don't even want to think about it. So I stayed on until nearly everyone had left.

"Oh there you are! We thought you were back at school!" Mum said as soon as I stepped of the train, pulling me into a strong, weird-smelling hug. Did my mum smell that weird before!

"Er, sorry Mum, I was busy feeding Otto Von Klawshauser." I replied. Mum and Dad gave me really blank looks. "Didn't you get my owl?" I asked, suddenly suspecting how reliably Nightwish was. "I'm a mother!" Then I had to show them my babies, and tell them all about it.

And now, I'm in the car on the way home.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Two James-and Sirius free weeks! Celebrate! I have two weeks to do WHATEVER I WANT! YEAHHH!

**Wednesday, December 18th  
Dear Galaderwalderwitz the Second  
**I've forgotten how boring it is being home.

As soon as I got home yesterday, I had to feed my children and go to bed. Now I'm awake, the babies are asleep, and I'm completely bored.

**Later  
**If Sirius and James were here, we'd be doing something interesting.

**Later  
**Or at least I'd be bore din the company of others who do thing _other_ than just yowl, sleep and eat.

**Later  
**That's why I didn't include Peter.

**Later  
**Ooh, I'm meeeaaaannn.

**Later  
**I have spent the last two hours creating a bottle-feeder-warmy-thing for my babies. It holds bottles… and it keeps the milk inside warm, and it's built in a way that the babies can feed on it. Hence the name. Hopefully it will smell like me, so they will eat from it. Now I can leave my children unattended for a time.

**Later  
**Wow. I have noooooooo life.

**Later  
**New discovery! New discovery!

My parents are _fighting!_

Well, not physical, but you get the point.

**Later  
**This is terrible! My parents can't fight! They're setting a bad example to the children!

Mostly me!

And my sister, but that's beyond the point. Hey...where is she, anyway?

**Later  
**"Hello Mariah," I said in a glare-yfull tone (I know that's not a word, but I can't remember the word I was suppose to use) as I walked into her room.

"Hello Remus," She said hatefully back. It's just our way of greeting each other.

"So, what are you doing?" I asked, sitting down on her bed, where she was currently lying. I really do love my little sister, even if she can be annoying at times. But hey, it's in the younger sibling contract, from what she's told me. Also in the little sister contract.

"Just reading," She said, tucking her book away.

"So, where were you last night?" I asked. It's true; I didn't see her at the train station. Mind you, she goes to great lengths to avoid being seen in public with Mum and Dad. See, it's not just me who thinks they're hideously ugly! I don't know how they manage to be hideously ugly and still have relatively normal-looking children. Mariah is even considered really pretty amongst the nine-year olds and younger. I don't know how this genetics stuff works.

"At my friend's house," She replied innocently.

"And you're friend is more important than seeing your big brother for the first time since September?" Mariah snorted. As I said before, she doesn't go in public with Mum and Dad. "Do you want to see my children?"

"You have children?" Mariah raised an eyebrow.

"You know, I _did_ owl… makes me wonder whatever happened to Nightwish…"

"Now you have to show me your children."

"I think they might be waking up anyway now… Mum and Dad, you know…"

So I showed her my children. She named them all her own names, rather than the ones that I named them. Unfortunately these names were things like Sissy-Boy Joe and Tuna-Breath Killerbee instead of Baltimora and Otto Von Klawshauser. But she someow still managed to call Hermione Hermione. She thought it was a cute name.

You know, I love Mariah to bits, but sometimes she can be very, very thick.

* * *

(1) – This was not a stab at Hermione Granger. This was actually a stab at my cat… even though I love her to pieces. I just thought it was kind of funny. Well, you know me, very strange sense of humour. Well, my cat's name IS Hermione… well, Hermione Wembly Princess Shine-Shine Bigglesworth-Schwartz. But we just call her Hermione. I do really have two cats… Hermione's brother is call Minion. Er… Minion Kisses Patrick Bigglesworth. I think Mitts-Mitts is in Minion's name somewhere, but I can't remember where… so, meh. No offense was meant to Hermione lovers. I love her to. 


End file.
